Need to Know

I had my baseline u/s done on Monday and everything checked out fine.  I took my last BCP last night and I start Lupron injections tomorrow with stims to follow on Saturday.  So I officially start growing my half of the babies this Saturday.  I am getting excited.  I feel empowered and hopeful.  My work schedule is set to work out well (only coincidentally - or maybe by some higher force) with this cycle because I start a 2 week vacation the week of retrieval and so that will also mean I'm off for the transfer.  It puts a kink in the vacation plans, but we are taking a low key trip to the lake, with no big plans, so we can drive the hour back to have all of this done and just drive back where I can rest.

The other night my DH and I were taking advantage of a night at home to build a fire in our pit in the back yard and sit around and just talk after our DS was asleep.  Amidst the varying conversation topics was, of course, this IVF cycle.  My DH enlightened me for the first time about all of this, which hadn't really ever crossed my mind.  He explained that his hesitation with trying again or continuing to hold on to "what if" is that we've been trying to get pregnant for 7 years (with 1-2 years in there where I was, in fact, pregnant or had a newborn).  He said he's just ready to stop living for trying, and not so much the physical trying (he is a man after all), but more the emotional weight it bares on us individually, us as a couple, and us as a family.  Not that he doesn't want more children or that if fertility weren't an issue we would already have more, but he's just tired of living the life of infertility.  He also said he's ready to know for sure (well as sure as you can be with infertility) that our son is or is not going to be the only one.  I asked how that knowledge would make a difference, and he said humorously that he would start spoiling the hell out of him if he was all we were getting (as if he's not already totally spoiled :) ).  So that makes total sense to me.  I can wholeheartedly respect that and I'm so glad I have this knowledge.  I, on the other hand, will probably never be "tired" of holding out hope, but I know there does come a time when the ref has to call it, or it could just go on forever.  I'm hopeful and I think our journey will end with a successful cycle, so we both can be satisfied.  And if it doesn't, I now have my DH's perspective that I have to respect and honor because it just makes sense (and sensible rarely describes an infertile woman).