The End.

Starting this blog it seemed almost like an anonymous way to release my thoughts and feelings on this grueling journey with some hope that it may help some other infertile woman out there, as other blogs have helped me.  If in no other way than to just see that other women are out there and they are just as anxious, just as desperate, and sometimes, just as sad and discouraged dealing with infertility.  Along the way, though, this blog has become a calling card of sorts that I could hand out to people that wanted to know more about our journey, but didn't want to actually have to have conversations about it, which let me off the hook from having to deal with it outside of my laptop.  There have been many times that this arrangement has saved my sanity, today is one of them.  Ending this blog, I realize that it has captured some of my most truly, intimately emotional moments of my life.  I don't regret putting them here, I just wonder if I'll have the courage to ever go back and relive these moments by reading this blog.

Now on the update.  It turns out that the RE last week was not being quick and insensitive, but rather discrete in what he already saw as a "threatened miscarriage".  Apparently, he could tell just by looking that things were "not right", but didn't want to let on.  Today was a different RE, one I have seen the most through this process.  She came into the room with a somber look and casually asked if I was feeling any sickness yet.  I told her "no", which I have already processed in my head to not be a good sign long before this moment.  She did the scan and explained that the fetus was just not as big as it should be at this stage.  She further explained that of course women that walk in with just a LMP to go by, there's room for missed dates, but with IVF, you should measure exactly what you are.  She measured the fetus and being 8 weeks today, I only measured 6w4d.  There was obvious "cardiac activity", which she didn't discount, but again said she's sure this will not be viable.  She said that normally she would discuss the option of a D & C, but since there was cardiac activity, she realized I probably wouldn't choose that option right now.  She told me to come back next week, I sensed to eventually confirm that the HB has, in fact, stopped.  She left and sympathetically said she wished she had better news.

After she left my DH and cried together.  He said he was just so sad for me and for our DS who has been begging for a brother or sister lately (he even asked if he could have a twin, like his cousins - too cute!).  I can tell my DH is upset, he's acting differently, so now I'm sad for him too.

I've spent most of the day trying to stay distracted.  Any idle moments I start to cry.  I think about how blessed and lucky we were to get my son, seemingly so easily, with IVF.  I think about the past 4.5 years and begin to wonder if I've paid enough attention to the details of my DS that I'll never get to experience again.  The milestones I couldn't wait for him to reach, not realizing I'll never have another baby, walker, toddler, potty trainer, big boy bedder, paci-giver-upper, ever again, and did I pay enough attention to those moments?  Did I take enough pictures?  Did I love him enough?  Can I pour all of my love into him without creating an unbalanced, spoiled kid? 

I've already been asked today if we are having another child.  My DS's preschool teacher was throwing a "going off to big school" party today and asked if my DH and I would send the next child through this center.  I told her there wasn't going to be a "next child" and she innocently replied that I had to have another one, you know try for a girl.  I had perfected my response to the "are you having more kids" question which was "We'd like to, but we'll have to see what happens".  Now I guess I'll have to come up with something simple enough to tell the truth without dumping any baggage.

So now I'm signing off of this blog.  There's nothing left to share.  We're done and our fertility journey is over.  Also, it is just simply too painful to live here in this anymore.  This is the end of this cycle, this is the end of this torturous journey, this is finally the end.

Tomorrow - more than a day away

I went to the RE's office last Thursday for the u/s.  My DH came with me and we were taken back to the exam room right away.  I've never had to wait at this clinic yet (stark contrast to the other clinic).  Well, as luck would have it (which Thursday just turned out to be one of those crummy, unlucky days all around stretching far beyond this appointment), there was a misunderstanding on their part which left DH and I waiting (me half dressed on the table) for an HOUR!  I sent my DH out to find out what was taking so long after about 45 min, but he only looked up and down the empty hallway, never going to the receptionist (which I told him to do).  I, of course, only had a paper "sheet" around me and wasn't about to go hunting down a nurse or doctor.  So eventually the RE came in.  This is my first time meeting this particular RE (there are 3 in the practice and I've escaped meeting him until Thurs.).  He apologized for the "misunderstanding" and went to doing the u/s.  He quickly scanned and we all saw one sac/ fetus.  He said he did not see a heartbeat.  He asked if we had any frozen embryos - definitely NOT what you want to be asked at that moment.  He tried to scan again and said he saw what looked like it may be a heartbeat, but it could also be me breathing/moving.  He casually said that it could just be early, but come back in a week and we'll know for sure.  He printed us a picture, smiled, and said see you next week.

So that was it.  We left without a heartbeat and another week to wait.  Utter devastation.

After much wallowing in pity and despair I began to google and also decided to compare my u/s from Thurs. to the one of my DS at 8 weeks.  Interestingly, I found that the RE had not "zoomed in" (not sure what the term is) like it was on my DS's u/s (with measurements, etc) and like all the other pictures on the internet of 6-8 wk u/s's.  So, I've rationalized that it would just be difficult to see a HB on such a tiny speck (which is what it was) and everything is still fair game.  Having said that, I haven't lost hope, but I have lost the joy (what little has slipped in there) from this process so far.  I could potentially be headed for the biggest let down, possibly of my life on Friday (our next u/s).  This cycle has been absolutely grueling.  From the decision to do it at all, to all the little road blocks, now to this.  If I do have a viable pregnancy, will there ever be any joy in it, or will I always worry that despair is lurking around the corner?  Its just unlike anything I could even begin to describe.

So again, we wait (hmmmm.... that sounds familiar).

Great Expectations

Tomorrow is 'the big day'.  Somehow along this past 2 weeks I've unconsciously developed a great expectation that tomorrow will undoubtedly be good news.  Interestingly though, I still haven't 'bought' into the whole pregnancy role and still find myself reminding myself that I actually am pregnant.  I guess I assume tomorrow will be the confirmation and I can then begin my life as a pregnant woman.  We haven't told my DS yet and I have pictured the conversation in my head a million times when we actually tell him he'll be a big brother - again with the expectations.  I think there will be an equal amount of excitement with equal amount of fear and anxiety as we go in for the u/s tomorrow.  I just have to have faith and pray that there won't be any disappointment to my great expectations.

More tomorrow...

A little bit pregnant

The old saying goes that you cannot be "a little bit pregnant", you either are, or you are not.  In this situation, I would have to argue that point.  I feel "a little bit pregnant".  I do not feel like I can fully let myself be pregnant, but I have blood work to the contrary.  We went to visit my MIL this past weekend out of state and my husband couldn't decide if he wanted to be able to tell her in person, or wait until 'real' confirmation with the u/s.  He decided we would tell her that we were 'probably' pregnant, but we needed to wait until 8/12 to find out for sure.  She, surprisingly, was okay with that explanation.  I felt like we were telling her we were 'a little bit pregnant'. 

This last week has sludged by, and I expect the next week will be no different.  At first I found that I had to remind myself that I was pregnant.  I used to say things in my head like, "maybe I shouldn't do that, just in case I'm pregnant" (like stand too close to the x-ray machine).  I still found myself doing that, then moments later, it occured to me that I actually am pregnant.  Now I'm buying in a little at a time and hope that I don't dig myself deeper if there is disappointment.  I've actually started to think about trimesters, what equipment I may need, and I actually sat down and counted out when my maternity leave would be.  Its dangerous, but as each day passes, it gets harder to ignore it.

Infertility is nothing if its not waiting!