The End.

Starting this blog it seemed almost like an anonymous way to release my thoughts and feelings on this grueling journey with some hope that it may help some other infertile woman out there, as other blogs have helped me.  If in no other way than to just see that other women are out there and they are just as anxious, just as desperate, and sometimes, just as sad and discouraged dealing with infertility.  Along the way, though, this blog has become a calling card of sorts that I could hand out to people that wanted to know more about our journey, but didn't want to actually have to have conversations about it, which let me off the hook from having to deal with it outside of my laptop.  There have been many times that this arrangement has saved my sanity, today is one of them.  Ending this blog, I realize that it has captured some of my most truly, intimately emotional moments of my life.  I don't regret putting them here, I just wonder if I'll have the courage to ever go back and relive these moments by reading this blog.

Now on the update.  It turns out that the RE last week was not being quick and insensitive, but rather discrete in what he already saw as a "threatened miscarriage".  Apparently, he could tell just by looking that things were "not right", but didn't want to let on.  Today was a different RE, one I have seen the most through this process.  She came into the room with a somber look and casually asked if I was feeling any sickness yet.  I told her "no", which I have already processed in my head to not be a good sign long before this moment.  She did the scan and explained that the fetus was just not as big as it should be at this stage.  She further explained that of course women that walk in with just a LMP to go by, there's room for missed dates, but with IVF, you should measure exactly what you are.  She measured the fetus and being 8 weeks today, I only measured 6w4d.  There was obvious "cardiac activity", which she didn't discount, but again said she's sure this will not be viable.  She said that normally she would discuss the option of a D & C, but since there was cardiac activity, she realized I probably wouldn't choose that option right now.  She told me to come back next week, I sensed to eventually confirm that the HB has, in fact, stopped.  She left and sympathetically said she wished she had better news.

After she left my DH and cried together.  He said he was just so sad for me and for our DS who has been begging for a brother or sister lately (he even asked if he could have a twin, like his cousins - too cute!).  I can tell my DH is upset, he's acting differently, so now I'm sad for him too.

I've spent most of the day trying to stay distracted.  Any idle moments I start to cry.  I think about how blessed and lucky we were to get my son, seemingly so easily, with IVF.  I think about the past 4.5 years and begin to wonder if I've paid enough attention to the details of my DS that I'll never get to experience again.  The milestones I couldn't wait for him to reach, not realizing I'll never have another baby, walker, toddler, potty trainer, big boy bedder, paci-giver-upper, ever again, and did I pay enough attention to those moments?  Did I take enough pictures?  Did I love him enough?  Can I pour all of my love into him without creating an unbalanced, spoiled kid? 

I've already been asked today if we are having another child.  My DS's preschool teacher was throwing a "going off to big school" party today and asked if my DH and I would send the next child through this center.  I told her there wasn't going to be a "next child" and she innocently replied that I had to have another one, you know try for a girl.  I had perfected my response to the "are you having more kids" question which was "We'd like to, but we'll have to see what happens".  Now I guess I'll have to come up with something simple enough to tell the truth without dumping any baggage.

So now I'm signing off of this blog.  There's nothing left to share.  We're done and our fertility journey is over.  Also, it is just simply too painful to live here in this anymore.  This is the end of this cycle, this is the end of this torturous journey, this is finally the end.

Tomorrow - more than a day away

I went to the RE's office last Thursday for the u/s.  My DH came with me and we were taken back to the exam room right away.  I've never had to wait at this clinic yet (stark contrast to the other clinic).  Well, as luck would have it (which Thursday just turned out to be one of those crummy, unlucky days all around stretching far beyond this appointment), there was a misunderstanding on their part which left DH and I waiting (me half dressed on the table) for an HOUR!  I sent my DH out to find out what was taking so long after about 45 min, but he only looked up and down the empty hallway, never going to the receptionist (which I told him to do).  I, of course, only had a paper "sheet" around me and wasn't about to go hunting down a nurse or doctor.  So eventually the RE came in.  This is my first time meeting this particular RE (there are 3 in the practice and I've escaped meeting him until Thurs.).  He apologized for the "misunderstanding" and went to doing the u/s.  He quickly scanned and we all saw one sac/ fetus.  He said he did not see a heartbeat.  He asked if we had any frozen embryos - definitely NOT what you want to be asked at that moment.  He tried to scan again and said he saw what looked like it may be a heartbeat, but it could also be me breathing/moving.  He casually said that it could just be early, but come back in a week and we'll know for sure.  He printed us a picture, smiled, and said see you next week.

So that was it.  We left without a heartbeat and another week to wait.  Utter devastation.

After much wallowing in pity and despair I began to google and also decided to compare my u/s from Thurs. to the one of my DS at 8 weeks.  Interestingly, I found that the RE had not "zoomed in" (not sure what the term is) like it was on my DS's u/s (with measurements, etc) and like all the other pictures on the internet of 6-8 wk u/s's.  So, I've rationalized that it would just be difficult to see a HB on such a tiny speck (which is what it was) and everything is still fair game.  Having said that, I haven't lost hope, but I have lost the joy (what little has slipped in there) from this process so far.  I could potentially be headed for the biggest let down, possibly of my life on Friday (our next u/s).  This cycle has been absolutely grueling.  From the decision to do it at all, to all the little road blocks, now to this.  If I do have a viable pregnancy, will there ever be any joy in it, or will I always worry that despair is lurking around the corner?  Its just unlike anything I could even begin to describe.

So again, we wait (hmmmm.... that sounds familiar).

Great Expectations

Tomorrow is 'the big day'.  Somehow along this past 2 weeks I've unconsciously developed a great expectation that tomorrow will undoubtedly be good news.  Interestingly though, I still haven't 'bought' into the whole pregnancy role and still find myself reminding myself that I actually am pregnant.  I guess I assume tomorrow will be the confirmation and I can then begin my life as a pregnant woman.  We haven't told my DS yet and I have pictured the conversation in my head a million times when we actually tell him he'll be a big brother - again with the expectations.  I think there will be an equal amount of excitement with equal amount of fear and anxiety as we go in for the u/s tomorrow.  I just have to have faith and pray that there won't be any disappointment to my great expectations.

More tomorrow...

A little bit pregnant

The old saying goes that you cannot be "a little bit pregnant", you either are, or you are not.  In this situation, I would have to argue that point.  I feel "a little bit pregnant".  I do not feel like I can fully let myself be pregnant, but I have blood work to the contrary.  We went to visit my MIL this past weekend out of state and my husband couldn't decide if he wanted to be able to tell her in person, or wait until 'real' confirmation with the u/s.  He decided we would tell her that we were 'probably' pregnant, but we needed to wait until 8/12 to find out for sure.  She, surprisingly, was okay with that explanation.  I felt like we were telling her we were 'a little bit pregnant'. 

This last week has sludged by, and I expect the next week will be no different.  At first I found that I had to remind myself that I was pregnant.  I used to say things in my head like, "maybe I shouldn't do that, just in case I'm pregnant" (like stand too close to the x-ray machine).  I still found myself doing that, then moments later, it occured to me that I actually am pregnant.  Now I'm buying in a little at a time and hope that I don't dig myself deeper if there is disappointment.  I've actually started to think about trimesters, what equipment I may need, and I actually sat down and counted out when my maternity leave would be.  Its dangerous, but as each day passes, it gets harder to ignore it.

Infertility is nothing if its not waiting!

The Search is Over

I have to warn you that I'm typing this on Thursday (7/22) night while its still fresh in my mind, but I'm probably not going to post for a couple of days, just to let things sit.

I woke up yesterday afternoon (after sleeping b/c of night shift) and as soon as I got out of bed I had a gush of bright red blood.  I immediately began to shake and sob.  It was over.  This was AF and it didn't even wait until after my beta.  I thought to call the clinic, but they already turned their phones off for the afternoon.  My only option was to go as a walk-in this morning to see if they would go ahead and do a beta to get this over with and move on.  Between that time though, I had to work a 12 hr shift, and not seem like the mess I was.  Interestingly, the bleeding stopped within the 1/2 hour, but that still didn't leave much room for hope, it was a lot of blood.

At the walk-in appointment, they offered to do my beta early (scheduled to be done tomorrow), but said sympathetically that it was probably negative.  I went home to "sleep".  I managed to get a few hours in before my stomach churned so hard I had to get up and check my messages.  There it was, Dr. Park's voice telling me that..... I was, to my great surprise, pregnant!  I began to shake and sob, again!  My beta at 8dp5dt was 79, which he said was a great number.  He said my progesterone was okay too and that my "incident" did not appear to be threatening the pregnancy.  I don't go back for 4 days for the f/u beta though, which makes me anxious.  I'm going to be a mess waiting until the u/s when I can actually see a heartbeat and know that everything is real.

Sadly, and ironically timed, we got the embryo report in the mail today.  The embryologist called last week and I was too chicken to call her back.  She explained she would be sending the report, so I just decided to wait until then.  I didn't want the extra pressure of waiting on my beta and potentially knowing that none of the embryos could be frozen.  As much I found that scenario hard to believe (and still do), that is, unfortunately the case.  The report stated that none of our remaining 4 blasts continued growing past day 5 (differentiating) and therefore, were not viable to freeze.  This news makes me a little sad for those embryos, but it also makes me even more anxious for this pregnancy.  Anxious because this is truly it, "do or die" as my DH says and also makes me afraid that these embryos inside me are not viable and this is a chemical pregnancy.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not 'Debbie Downer' about my fantastic news today, but going through all of this, I know too well what hurdles are left to jump, and there are plenty of them. 

As the title states, the search is officially over.  I expect that we will meet our little blessing (or two - ha!) in late March/ early April, but if for some reason, something doesn't go right, we have nothing left to give, we are done.  Truly, but sadly, this is a peaceful feeling, to finally put this 'life' of infertility behind us and move forward, just being us, just being our family.

***Update: I had my repeat beta this morning (7/26) and it was 246, so it is doubling just fine.  One more hurdle down and a million (it seems) to go.  Our u/s is scheduled for 8/12 and I am absolutely terrified!  I don't remember being this scared waiting for my son's u/s.  I think I was just blissful and going with the flow.  I was younger (meaning time to keep trying), had embryos in the freezer, and lots of courage for the journey ahead.  This time, its just still so stressful to think that this is it, this is the end.  I need lots of prayers to stay sane until 8/12.  After a good healthy heartbeat, I'll relax (at least a little).  But until then....

To my family and friends that follow me here on my blog, I'm too nervous to talk about or share the news just yet.  I'm excited, but as I stated before, apprehensive.  So, for now, I'm going to just hold tight until my u/s, then I'll be ready to celebrate.  Keep praying, please!

7dp5dt

Its 7dp5dt, which is the same day I got a BFP for my son (9dp3dt).  I've thought a lot about today, about testing, about how this day felt for my DS's cycle.  DH and I still haven't decided for sure what we'll do to find out.  I guess that means I'm not as anxious as I thought I was, or it just means I'm in denial that this cycle will be over in a few days.  I'm either going to be pregnant or not, but for now, I'm neither and that's safe. 

I've pictured myself after my beta with either result.  Neither is actually easy to envision.  I think that being pregnant sounds so far off, yet not being pregnant seems overwhelmingly sad.  I know I'll be excited (without question) if I'm pregnant, but I honestly cannot wrap my head around that thought.  I think back to my son's cycle and I was naive thinking it would work and not really expecting that it wouldn't.  Same with my first FET.  The second FET, I was more apprhensive and more realistic to the possiblities.  This cycle, I just don't know how I feel.  All signs are positive, but I just can't get excited.

I'm staying peaceful and hopeful, only a few days left.  God, please carry me the distance!

Pictures and nothing new

Still drudging through my 2ww.  I cannot believe I still have a whole week left!  I can only imagine how slowly the time will pass while I'm at work.  Luckily I am working night shift this week, so usually I'm so tired I just work, sleep, and throw in a meal here and there.  That will get me to Thursday afternoon at least.  A friend asked me this weekend if I "felt" anything yet.  My only answer was anxiety :)!  I told her I pretty much had the same symptoms with my son's cycle that I did with the other 2 FET's, so nothing can be trusted.  My DH and I still have not decided on how we want to find out the results.  I know we'll wait until the day of my beta, but we're not sure yet if we want to test that morning for a personal time with the news (good or bad), or wait and listen to the voicemail when he gets home from work.  I'd like for him to decide.  I just can't even wrap my head around how anxious I'll be that day!

Here are, what I hope to be, the first glimpses of our darling little ones.  The one on top has the differentiating cells.  The cluster at the top is the fetal cells, the cluster at the bottom is the placental cells.  Absolutely amazing to me!

Return Unto Me

DH and I left temporarily from our week long vacation at the lake, bright and early this morning to get our first glimpse of our growing embryos.  The 6 embryos were continuing to turn into blasts and they transferred 2 back to me.  One of our little ones was already starting to differentiate, meaning there were fetal and placental/sac cells visible.  The other one was not there yet, but they said that occurs anytime today or tomorrow.  They will continue to look at the other 4 and if they continue to progress, freeze those.  These results are far better than I ever would have expected at the beginning of this cycle and quite honestly, better than I imagined when originally thinking of our fresh cycle. 

When deciding on the title of this post, it made sense to mention that my embryos were returned to me.  But in reality, when they last left my body they were simply one half of an equation and the lab fostered the rest.  As precise as that knowledge is, they are still MY embryos and they belong in me.  I do give credit to my wonderful DH for his contribution, but for some reason, I feel solely responsible for them and claim ownership of them.  They are mine and need to be returned to their rightful owner.  Not to be taken the wrong way, those embryos are OUR creation and any babies from them are equally ours, but its an eerie empitness to have them outside of me and a peaceful whole-ness to have them "returned".

So, now the daunting 2ww begins and the rest and relaxation commence.  I am so fortunate to be on vacation this week with 7 families that are some of my dearest friends, on the lake.  I have not been able to participate in the usual in-water lake activities, but my DH and son have and I have enjoyed watching them.  I am so blessed to be surrounded by such supportive and loving people.  This 2ww will be much more bearable than those in the past.

Going for the Gusto

We received our call this morning from the lab, we have 6 great embryos, all 8 cells (what they should be).  They are letting it ride another 2 days for a day 5/ blast transfer.  My nerves are reved up.  Its a gamble at this point.  Not that it is not a gamble to do a day 3 transfer, but there is a chance you will have less to maybe even none on day 5 to transfer.  The debate is whether those would have made it in the uterus had they been transferred on day 3 (so they didn't make it because of lab conditions) or were they just not going to make it anyway, anywhere and its a natural progression of things.

Yes, I realize all of this is more than I need to be worried about.  In fact, I shouldn't be worried at all.  They know what they are doing and they wouldn't have waited until day 5 if they weren't confident there would be at least 1-2 to transfer on Wednesday.  So, 2 more days without my embies.  I know they are in good hands, and hopefully I'll see them bright and early Wednesday morning! 

Grow embies, grow!

The Stats

Here's the latest... they were able to get 8 oocytes out, 7 were good enough to fertilize and 6 did.  So we have 6 embryos "cooking" in the lab.  We are pleased.  The embryoloist called with the update and explained that they would look at them on Monday morning.  If they looked "fantastic" (her words) then they would let them cook a little longer and go for a day 5 (blast) transfer on Wednesday.  If they were less than "fantastic" then they would go ahead with transfer on Monday at 10am. Either is fine with us.  We are just happy at this point we have something to put back in.

It is such a numbers obsession with me and this whole IVF thing.  I guess more = better.  More oocytes = more embryos = more chance of a baby (now or with FET).  Do we need more embryos after this IVF, no.  All we really want is to get our little baby and not have to argue about the left overs (DH is DONE.   Me, I could definitely see saying we should just put the left overs in later down the road and see what happens... no expectations).  The perfect scenario would be to have 2 blasts on day 5, no left overs, get pregnant and be done.  But, as I've learned, nothing is perfect.

I'm going to try to live in today, which is a whole day before any further information.  I can't change anything today and I'm going to try not to worry about tomorrow.  I'm praying for my patience and peace about this and praying for my little embies in the lab.  More news tomorrow!

Retrieval

Yesterday I went for another u/s and bw.  They again only measured 6 (there were more in the background, but either not big enough to measure or they couldn't see them very well b/c the u/s is 2D).  The dominant one was 19mm, followed by some 17's and 15's.  My E2 was 1964, which is a good number for 6 follicles.  So I triggered yesterday and have retrieval scheduled for 8am tomorrow morning.  I've done all I can do, the rest is out of my hands.  We will find out Saturday how many fertilized and when transfer will happen.  I'm hoping for a day 5 (blast) transfer, but a day 3 will be just fine (after all my DS is a former day 3'er).  After the retrieval there is nothing left to do but pray and rest.

Perfection (or lack thereof)

I consider myself a perfectionist.  I don't remember being this way when I was younger, but I have definitely become a relentless perfectionist at almost everything, getting worse with age.  I had to convince myself that B's were okay in graduate school (well almost convinced myself :)) and I try to remind myself that I am not perfect and neither should things be in my life.  I suppose perfection comes from my need to control, and my need to control comes from my emotional inability to handle disappointment well. 

So, as with everything else, I want this cycle to be perfect.  My standard of perfect is correlating to my son's IVF cycle or what the cookie cutter expectations are for IVF cycles (follicle number, growth, and E2).  This cycle has fallen off of the "perfect" path.  This cycle is by no means a failure and by no means at risk of canceling, but its just not going, well, perfect.  I had another u/s and BW today.  The u/s showed my lining looked great, but the follicles did not measure what they expected.  By today they would have expected my follicles to be at least 18mm and ready for retrieval.  I had 6 that they measured and they ranged from 12-17mm.  They gave me meds to take today (remember, I ran out yesterday - b/c I *should* be ready today) and I go back tomorrow.  Hopefully things look more promising tomorrow.  All of this makes me nervous about how many they'll actually retrieve that are mature.  I know they told me to expect to only get a handful based on my AMH, but I'm still a little in denial about that information (probably pointing back to the perfection thing).

I keep reminding myself that I am not in control of this, at all, and in the end, it only takes 1 to make a baby.

Steady goes it

Yesterday's u/s and bw results were expected, I suppose. The nurse counted and measured about 8 follicles, the largest being 14mm (18mm is considered mature) and my E2 was 803. The nurse called and said that all sounded good and things were on track. They did not schedule my ER yet, they want me back tomorrow. I run out of stims tonight, so I hope things are good with the appt tomorrow and they tell me to trigger tomorrow night (I just can't stop finding things to worry about!). I brought this to the nurse's attention and she had to think a minute about it. She said it 'should' be fine, I guess we'll all just cross our fingers.


I've compared this cycle with my son's IVF and they aren't matching up. I guess, despite my denial, my poor ovaries have gotten older in the past 5 years. I responded really well with my son's IVF with more follicles and a higher E2. I do keep it in perspective and I am happy that I do have, what looks like, 8 follicles for ER and I hope they are all good quality and all mature in the end. I'm actually incredibly grateful that I have responded and this is all going to happen!

On a quirky side note, the RE and RN have been chipper and encouraging in their tone when they left messages. Like saying "your estrogen was ..., that's good/ great...". So I wondered if it really is good/great, or do they say that to everyone. I'm sure they wouldn't say "well, that's not really good, but ...". Are they trying to keep us all calm so we won't worry?! I know, its quirky, and I'm sure untrue, but the thought did cross my mind.

Off to a good start

I had my first monitoring appointment yesterday (day 5 of stims) and I have to say I was completely nervous about what they would say.  I've been given such grim news about this cycle at every turn, I was sure there was going to be something else.  The nurse said she saw 4-5 follicles on one side and 4 on the other.  She said they were small (not measurable yet), which, in her tone, sounded a little behind.  I was surprised that I started a HEAVY (heavier than my norm) period on Sunday (day 2 of stims) and thought for sure my body was turning against me, this is the "grow and make welcome" phase of things, not the "get it all out" phase.  I emailed the nurse that day to let her know and to my surprise, she replied that they totally expected that.  Well, shows you what I know.  So at my u/s yesterday I was sure my lining would be thin and I would have to worry about catching up (I've had thin lining issues with other cycles), but, to my surprise, it was great, right where it should be!  My E2 is 172, which in the RE's words was "great".  So who knew, maybe things are actually working in there!

I looked back at my stats from my son's IVF and on stim day 5 I had 2 follicles, but my E2 was a little over 200.  That cycle I had a slow start and then picked up and ended up "cruising" (as they called it, still growing follicles without meds) at the end.  I ended up with 14 oocytes with that cycle, so I'm feeling pretty good about things this time. 

I don't go back until Sunday.  That seems like a long time.  My other clinic had me come in every day from stim day 5 until I was ready to for retrieval (7 days) and while I think that was excessive and expensive, it was nice to know how things were going day to day.  Maybe its better to not know and be able to relax and enjoy the ride until then.

Speaking of my appointment on Sunday, I arranged for a co-worker to cover me in the event I had an appointment Mon or Tues (she's doing IVF at my clinic as well and more than willing to help me out).  I didn't pre-arrange anyone for Sun because its July 4th and I was just SURE that they wouldn't want to see me then.  Well, as fate would have it, they do (of course), so I've been trying to find someone to cover for me.  Its not an easy task, it is a holiday!  I found one coworker, but she has already prefaced by saying that if they ask her if she wants to be reduced (called off, our census is low so they are reducing the staff by 5-6 people/ shift lately), she's taking it.  I know the scheduling thing will work out.  I'm trying not to get too worked up about it, really, I'm not.

Note from God

We are trying to get our house de-cluttered/ de-bulked to put it for sale soon (relatively soon, we've been at this for a couple of months now!) and in doing so I had to filter through a drawer we've used for all of our Christmas cards and birth announcements for the past, probably, 8 years.  In going through them I wanted to make sure there wasn't anything we wanted to keep like pictures that also found there way into that drawer.  I certainly did not open every card, but occasionally I saw one that caught my eye and I would open it to read who it was from.  Well, one particular card definitely caught my eye, being a NICU nurse, because it had little premmie feet stamped in a circle to make a wreath.  I opened it to see who it was from and found that a friend of mine sent it Christmas of 2004 (yes, 6 years ago!), and she wrote a message about praying for us with our upcoming IVF (for my son in January 2005) and included a scripture, Romans 15:13.  The scripture read: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit".  Could this have been more timely in my desperate search to stay hopeful with this current IVF?!  As I've said before, I do not think there are coincidences in life and I'm going to consider this a note straight from the Big Man himself :)! 

I started growing my half of our babies today with my triple med cocktail.  The shot was nothing, just a little pinch, but I got a whopping headache this afternoon.  I suppose it could have been from the heat (moving furniture in 100+ degree heat index), but hormone shifts notoriously give me horrible headaches.  Hopefully they won't happen often or get any worse.  Luckily, I'm going to bed now to sleep it off (I hope!).

Need to Know

I had my baseline u/s done on Monday and everything checked out fine.  I took my last BCP last night and I start Lupron injections tomorrow with stims to follow on Saturday.  So I officially start growing my half of the babies this Saturday.  I am getting excited.  I feel empowered and hopeful.  My work schedule is set to work out well (only coincidentally - or maybe by some higher force) with this cycle because I start a 2 week vacation the week of retrieval and so that will also mean I'm off for the transfer.  It puts a kink in the vacation plans, but we are taking a low key trip to the lake, with no big plans, so we can drive the hour back to have all of this done and just drive back where I can rest.

The other night my DH and I were taking advantage of a night at home to build a fire in our pit in the back yard and sit around and just talk after our DS was asleep.  Amidst the varying conversation topics was, of course, this IVF cycle.  My DH enlightened me for the first time about all of this, which hadn't really ever crossed my mind.  He explained that his hesitation with trying again or continuing to hold on to "what if" is that we've been trying to get pregnant for 7 years (with 1-2 years in there where I was, in fact, pregnant or had a newborn).  He said he's just ready to stop living for trying, and not so much the physical trying (he is a man after all), but more the emotional weight it bares on us individually, us as a couple, and us as a family.  Not that he doesn't want more children or that if fertility weren't an issue we would already have more, but he's just tired of living the life of infertility.  He also said he's ready to know for sure (well as sure as you can be with infertility) that our son is or is not going to be the only one.  I asked how that knowledge would make a difference, and he said humorously that he would start spoiling the hell out of him if he was all we were getting (as if he's not already totally spoiled :) ).  So that makes total sense to me.  I can wholeheartedly respect that and I'm so glad I have this knowledge.  I, on the other hand, will probably never be "tired" of holding out hope, but I know there does come a time when the ref has to call it, or it could just go on forever.  I'm hopeful and I think our journey will end with a successful cycle, so we both can be satisfied.  And if it doesn't, I now have my DH's perspective that I have to respect and honor because it just makes sense (and sensible rarely describes an infertile woman).

Baby in a Box

My medications arrived yesterday and I chuckled as I opened this massive box of hormones and such!  There were tons of syringes, tons of vials of meds, tons of oral medications, and all kinds of other gadgets to accompany the meds.  All of this just to make a baby!  I chuckle because for most, all it took was a little wine and nice dinner out (for some, not even that much!), but for me, it takes ALL THIS!  I've labeled it my "baby in a box".  I remember getting my meds for the first IVF cycle and it was like opening a fun new toy to play with.  I took out all of the little this and thats to "play" with them in anticipation of the cycle.  This time, I'm a little less excited.  I'm scarred by my failures, so its a little less 'fun' and a little more 'real'.  It seems like much more medicine than before, but it was 5 years ago and my memory is a little vague on those details.  So here we go.  I just have to wait for my baseline u/s next Monday and assuming that comes out clear, I'll be starting my shots next week.

The crib

What I thought was a non-issue, turned out to be just that.  About 18 mos to 2 years ago I got a notice that the crib we used for my son had been recalled.  He was out of it and it was tucked securely in the attic.  We, of course, began trying to conceive around that time and so I continued to put off submitting the paperwork until I had a reason to need a crib.  After our first failed FET last fall, I just knew that it had to happen with the second FET so I turned it all into the company.  They sent a voucher for a free crib, but the catch is that it expired within 6 months.  Again, I was optimistic, that's six whole months to get pregnant and surely I wasn't going to have to wait THAT long again.  Well, those 6 months have passed (quickly!).  The voucher expired this weekend.  A couple of weeks ago I thought about this voucher, posted clearly on my fridge, and decided I had no need for a crib right now and I would just buy another one if I became lucky enough to need one.  I selfishly offered it to a dear friend of mine that is pregnant so she could get a newer crib (her's is 7 years old and who doesn't want to upgrade styles).  This friend has also done remarkable things for my family and it felt like a little pay back.  She accepted, but did not have a store in her area, so I agreed to purchase it for her and bring it to her.  Phew, the whole crib nonsense was no longer looming over me.  Well, she called the other day to then decline the offer and encouraged me to be optimistic and get one for myself.  This was a difficult task.  I cried a little thinking about all the "what ifs" of this cycle.  Could I bare to look at an unopened crib box if all of this doesn't work?  Letting go of a used crib that my dear baby boy used is less difficult because he did use it and brought good memories.  An unopened box may just remind me of my dream that didn't come to fruition.  I truly dreaded the task, but being as frugal as I am, I couldn't let it go to waste.  Luckily, not by coincidence, my sister called as I was driving to the baby store.  She came along and distracted me from my pathetic self-pity.  I actually purchased a convertible crib and decided to just use it as a full bed for our son, until we need it for other reasons.  So all ended well.. for now.

I AM hopeful about this cycle.  I guess I look at the scoreboard and I've failed more than I've succeeded with embryo transfers and I get discouraged.  God has carried me this far without complete psychological ruin, so I trust that He will continue to carry me along to the end of this ever shortening journey.

On the Road Again

Figuratively and literally, we are on the road again.  I finally got my period and have started this journey of our fresh IVF.  I'm on the BCP's and I'm scheduled for stims in 2 weeks.  Its odd that I feel the natural progression of this process going, but suddenly I have these moments when I realize the 'finite-ness' of it all, and it makes me nervous.  I guess 'talking' about it is just talking, there's not embryo numbers to count or day 3 results or a pregnancy test to face, its just talking.  Talking still leaves room for hope.  So much is riding on this cycle that its almost too much to comprehend what will happen if it doesn't work.  This is the end of the ART road for us.  We will either add another passenger and change direction, or have to seek some alternate path.  I keep getting asked if I'm excited that things are rolling, and I can't say that I am.  I'm just scared.  This is where I have to put to rest my nerves and rely on my faith.

On an unrelated note we are heading out on a 10 hr drive to visit friends this weekend.  I'm welcoming the distraction and time with my family.  Its nice to not have idle time to think too much about all of this.

Bring it!

I had my u/s and labs done yesterday.  No new bad news (how negative does that sound, ugh!).  I do NOT have a cyst (point for me), but my labs still show me in the same hormonal state I was a week ago, preovulation (point for the dysfunctional reproductive system).  So basically, I'm just going to keep going like this until, well, I don't really know how long my body could keep this up.  My uterine lining is very thick, so my estrogen just keeps doing its job, the progesterone is the one that's falling short.  To its defense, its waiting for ovulation to trigger a spike/ drop, then that triggers AF.  The RE is not confident ovulation  will be happening naturally.  The RE labeled this cycle an "estrogenized, anovulatory cycle" (whew, that's a big term).  So, I'm over this cycle, as I sit here on CD 60.  They are giving me progesterone to artificially spike and drop, to evoke a period.  At this point, I just say "bring it", lets get this ball rolling.

The Wrong Direction

My RE followed up with me yesterday about the additional labs he had me get done.  He said it looks as though my hormonal functioning is within normal range and that it looked like I was getting ready to ovulate soon after the labs were drawn (6 days ago).  This means the Lupron is no longer influencing anything and I *should* be back to normal.  He is aware that I am now on CD 57 and attributes it to probably an ovarian cyst.  I've never had an ovarian cyst in my life (that I've known about), why is there more drama to this equation??  He suggested that I go ahead and start the BCP right away to shrink a potential cyst and get prepared for the IVF cycle.  Then I can have a period after the BCP and start fresh.  Call me crazy (well, I am) and I almost couldn't get the words out of my mouth to ask (I felt so ridiculous suggesting this), but I said, "what if I did ovulate and this our one in a million month"?.  He acknowledged my hope (albeit far fetched) and said he would do an u/s and labs tomorrow to find out if there is a cyst and if I did, in fact, ovulate and where I am in this cycle.  Then I could go forward comfortably with the BCPs.

He also said that my AMH has decreased slightly (man, the clock is really ticking, losing ground by the minute!!), but also said it is subject to slight variations at any given time and that it was still in the same range.  He reassured me (well, that was his intention I suppose) that we still have a fairly (his heavy emphasis on the 'fairly', not mine) good chance with IVF.  We did, however, discuss the Shared Success Program the clinic offers.  Its a package deal that gives you one fresh IVF and unlimited FETs (from the original IVF) until you bring home a baby or all the embryos are used and in that case you get some of your money back.  In our original meeting with this RE, he felt very confident that we would qualify for the SSP.  In our conversation yesterday he said that I do NOT qualify based on my AMH.  This to me is devastating.  Not financially, but emotionally, if they aren't willing to take the chance, should we?

I feel like I'm backsliding with all of this. I feel like the more information we get and the further we go, the more obstacles pop up to challenge my faith in this decision.  I'm usually pretty interested and somewhat excited about moving forward and finding things out (curiosity, control, progress, not sure which), but I am not looking forward to tomorrow's u/s.  I just don't want to find out any more bad news about how much harder all of this is going to be.  I feel like I'm physically and emotionally moving in the wrong direction.

I'm too young to feel this dang old

My RE surprised me today when I answered the phone and it was him.  I was taken back that the RE would take the time to call me personally.  Well, as you have probably figured out, it was not with good news that he made such a personal connection.  I had my blood drawn last week for my pre-IVF labs and expected they would come back as normal as the last set I did 5 years ago.  I don't remember getting old in the last 5 years, and I'm still under the "AMA", so I didn't give it another thought.  So honestly when my RE called I was surprised.  Well, apparently there is a fairly new marker for ovarian reserve (how normal your ovaries are functioning), AMH (anti Mullerian hormone) which decreases with age, until you reach menopause and it becomes zero.  Mine, according to the RE, is lower than it should be for my age.  I asked if I was pre-menopausal and he said it wasn't that low.  He explained that it would simply mean that I would most likely not have a chance of hyper-stimming (OHSS), which is good, they will have to probably use twice the dosage of FSH (stim meds), I wouldn't have to worry about unwanted ovulation during stims, and that I would most likely not get a large (meaning normal) number of oocytes retrieved (we had 13 retrieved with our son's IVF, we are probably going to be lucky to get 4-5 now).  Those that aren't familiar with IVF may think the 4-5 is 3-4 more than you need to make a baby, but just because they are mature, doesn't mean they'll fertilize, and doesn't mean they'll make it to transfer.  So starting with 5 may put us, if we're lucky, with 1 blast to transfer.  That, of course, being worst case besides no blasts to transfer.

I asked my RE about my time on Lupron (which is an artificial menopause) effecting the results.  He said that it shouldn't, but also said he's pretty sure its not been studied, so he did not know.  I immediately want to blame it on the Lupron and the fact that I'm now on CD 49 with no sign of AF.  RE said the Lupron should be out of my system by now, but was curious about why I haven't started yet.  He is sending me for more labs to see where I am with normal cycle hormones and repeat the AMH for good measure.  I asked about forcing AF to get started with IVF and he said it wouldn't be necessary and that if all is quiet in there, I can just jump in anytime.  Quite honestly I'm a little afraid of that.  We did that with the FET and it didn't work, so naturally I don't want to make the same mistake.  I'm sure the RE knows what he's talking about and wants to optimize our chances, but I just wish my cycles were normal from the start of the next IVF.

I was hoping that all was still okay with me and with my DH (which, by the way, his SA came back normal, phew!) so I could just worry about the normal stuff, not worry about my chances being decreased because I've waited too long or something is different about me now as opposed to 5 years ago.  I have to try to let my positive thoughts prevail and focus on the things that are working for us (like my DH's swimmers and all that I DO have working right). 

On an encouraging note, my RE emailed me and wants me to email him when I go for my lab work so he can personally call to explain the results.  I have no doubt that we made a good choice in switching to this practice. This RE is really making a positive impression on me and easing my mind that he knows what he's doing and he cares about what he does and who his patient is.  That kind of service in this context is absolutely priceless!

Mother's Day

Today, as every day, I am a daughter, sister, wife, friend, but also today I am reminded everywhere that my most treasured role in life is a mother.  I never take for granted the fact that I have been blessed with motherhood and a beautiful baby boy.  I realize that there are so many women out there that dread this day because they are still waiting (I was there too).  I may be struggling with this second round, but today, there's nothing but joy when I hear my DS, in his sweet 4 year old voice, say " Happy Mother's Day".  So, as backwards as it may seem, today makes me incredibly grateful and it was a joyful day!

On a side note, its now CD 46.  This cycle must end!  I think its time for some medical intervention.

CD 39

Just an update, I'm still waiting (oh, my life story!) for AF arrive.  I'm now on CD 39 (yes, you read correctly, cycle day thirty nine).  I have never had a cycle this long (not even close), ever, with the exception of manipulating BCPs to skip a period.  I took a HPT yesterday, I've decided I would make Saturday my "test day" until AF decides to show up.  Of course it was negative (otherwise, this blog would have gotten a lot more exciting).  Surprisingly, I'm not anxious about all of this.  I'm not fighting the urge to test every waking moment.  I actually don't really think about possibly being pregnant at all.  I'm just waiting for this cycle to end so a new one can begin.  I guess I should probably call my RE if it hasn't started by next week, that would be a little too long for me.

On a different note, as I've said before I do not believe in coincidences and I feel that everything is meant to happen by Divine intervention.  I have not shared any of my infertility "stuff" with any of my coworkers, with the exception of one who just happens to know because of a mutual friend that I have shared all of this with.  I was working the other day and a coworker came into the isolated room that had just me and another nurse in it.  This coworker began to update the other nurse about her infertility plans.  I then shared my story with her and  found out she has arrangements with the same clinic and RE that I am now seeing to do IVF.  We discussed the financing and she shared with me how her and her DH figured out a way to finance it.  Basically, she is ready to do her IVF asap, which is a little sooner than me, so she will be able to help me figure out how to juggle my schedule and IVF and FMLA (also, I now know how we are going to pay for it).  It's as if she came into that room just to answer those lingering logistical questions for me. 

So, we are on track for a fresh IVF.  My reservations about pursuing this are fading.  I also have confidence now that if in the end we do not get pregnant again, I can live with that.  I need to believe that I will be okay if we go down this road again and end up back where we started.  Granted we'll have more debt (and actually we'll have debt no matter what the outcome) but I can be satisfied that we gave it all we had and I can put it to rest.

Torture

My body is just torturing me!  I have, and probably forever will, hold out hope every month that by some miracle I naturally got pregnant.  I begin to analyze each little symptom about a week before AF is due.  A little history, I have chronic spotting and so it usually starts about 1 week before AF and gradually gets heavier.  I usually have some cramps, which are mostly manageable prior to AF.  All of this being fairly typical PMS stuff.  There have been several months that I have had really light spotting and AF will run a little late (maybe 12 -24 hrs), and my hopes begin to soar, I usually take a HPT (and AF usually starts as I'm waiting for the test lines to appear!) and once its negative, I move on, AF comes, cycle begins again (mentally and physically).  Well this cycle I was due for AF yesterday.  I have yet to have a single symptom.  No spotting (not even a hint) and no cramping.  Of course I patiently waited until this morning to do a HPT, trying to stay grounded with realistic hopes, but, as the title would imply, it was negative.  So, I'm convinced my body is just trying to torture me.  I'm sure its a rebound from all the FET meds, but this has not happened before following a medicated cycle.  I guess I am again reminded that this is all far beyond my control.

#39922

I had the most pathetic and stupid moment yesterday.  My DH and I went to a new fertility clinic in town to meet and greet with another RE.  I requested a copy of my record from my old clinic to transfer, but (as usual with this unorganized clinic) they didn't respond to my phone call in time to have it done through their outsourced service, so they had to make a copy by hand and I had to pick it up.  I actually was a little glad to have the opportunity to hold it in my hand and look it over.  So, as we met with the new RE I handed over the large packet of medical records.  Aside from my stupid moment, handing this over was like handing over a mountain of emotional trials, all wrapped up in a manila envelope.  So here comes the stupid part, at the end of our meeting he handed me a piece of paper with some labs he wanted to order.  On the top of this paper was my new medical record number for this new clinic.  And there it was, for the first time in over 6 years was not #39922, my old MR # at the old clinic, and I started to cry (I cry now thinking about it).  So bare with my insanity for a minute here, this number has meant so much to me.  It was the number I carried through all of my cycles of ART at this clinic.  I had to use this number to enter in when I called the voice mail system about lab results and to get medication orders for the next day during all of my IUI, IVF, FET cycles.  So while most people never know their MR numbers, I got to know this particular one by heart through all these cycles.  I know, it just sounds stupid.  I guess what I realized as well was that, while I am glad to be starting fresh somewhere else and I had a really negative experience at my other clinic, I really do feel like I'm at square one, like 6 years ago when I started at the other clinic.  Regardless of the clinic itself, I had nevertheless invested 6 years of strong emotions into that clinic and now that door is closed, and I'm starting new again.  Its overwhelming.

With regards to starting new, I'm not really sure what that means for us right now.  My DH and I thought we would suck it up (financially) and do another fresh cycle, but after meeting with the financial person at the clinic, and being told that it would be at least $15-16K, we aren't sure.  While we knew this before hand, somehow hearing them sort it all out made it seem real.  That's hard to swallow.  Its even harder to swallow knowing we have been so blessed with our son.  It just doesn't seem fair to again have to choose b/w debt or a child.  It is truly a numbing feeling.

So while I thought our next step was a fresh IVF, I honestly don't know.  For the first time, in my life, I am debating on letting something I want so badly just go.  I'm the type of person that fights for what I want, "no matter what", "at all cost", I always look for a way to make it happen, but I'm just not so sure about this time.  And I know there is no price tag on a baby, but putting our family in debt just doesn't feel right either.  I can only describe my thoughts as numb.  Unfortunately, my DH is not helpful.  He would like another child but adamantly does not want more debt.  So he is supportive of whatever I decide.  I know I will not ever let the dream go and I know that it will haunt me, but I also know that these are the cards we've been dealt and maybe its time to succumb to that reality.  I met a friend today for a play date and she asked when we left what she could pray for me, and I thought for a second and decided that resolution was what I needed.  Resolution to go forward without regrets with a fresh cycle or resolution to be satisfied with our blessing we've been given and move on with life.

The Elephant

I haven't quite figured out why I think this, but I do.  I assume that people who know about this infertility journey are always "reading" me for information about the infertility.  Yes, its conspiracy theory at its best and I acknowledge how ridiculous it seems and sounds, but nevertheless I still feel it.  I feel like I have somehow "become" my infertility, but no one wants to directly talk about it.  So now that we have our second FET failure and I opened up to friends and family about our last try, I feel like everyone is curious about our next step, which is fine, but no one wants to be the one to ask.  I can't tell if its more difficult to have someone close just not talk about it at all or to have the vague questions that I'm stuck in limbo about answering.  For example, I have 2 sisters that I am incredibly close to.  I spend more time face-to-face with one and more time chatting on the phone with the other.  The one I see more never brings up the subject.  She never asks "whats new" with the fertility plan, never asks how I'm feeling about it or anything.  I definitely don't think its because she doesn't care, I assume she worries that I don't want to talk about it or that its inappropriate to ask.  So sometimes when we're together I hope that the topic works its way into the conversation so that we can talk about it, but that makes for a slight awkwardness on my part, and to be quite honest, all this fertility stuff probably doesn't even cross her mind!  While I don't want to have a conversation about it to just anyone, I still deal with this EVERYDAY and would still like to acknowledge it, but feel selfish or awkward if I bring it up.  The other sister did the "so how are things going?" question the other day.  My mind always races when people who know our history ask me that.  Are they just making small talk or are they asking about my infertility and just don't want to come out and say that?  Ugh. I felt safe enough with her to just come right out and tell her what was going on with the fertility, I needed that to be what she was asking.  When its someone not as close, its not that easy to decide.  This is one reason I chose to keep this topic so intimate before.  I don't mind if people know, I just hate the constant assumption that people want to know, but are just not comfortable asking, so they ask a general question to leave the door open, but...wait.... maybe they aren't asking and I'd be making a fool of myself to bring it up.  I get that people don't want to just come right out and ask about our infertility, but I just hate wondering if they are wondering, but not wanting to assume.  So the elephant no one mentions is back to following me around again, invading my space when talking to other people.  I can fondly look back at the couple of years after having my son when the question of "how are things going" was just a question, not this awkward moment of assumptions.  I know it sounds like a conspiracy because chances are it doesn't even cross people's minds, but, unfortunately, it crosses my constantly.

Why Me?

As I'm sitting here after tucking in my adorable 4 year old son I wonder, why me?  Not, why not me, why I haven't been given something, or why did this have to happen to me, but why me... why did God choose me to take care of such a beautiful, loving child like my DS?  I am having to take time out over the past few days and regroup and rethink what I've been given in this life.  Yes, I've been given the tough journey of infertility, twice now, but I have also been given the opportunity to conceive and carry a child, which is more than some.  I've also been given the opportunity to have the love of my child in my heart and to hear "Mommy", the sweetest words.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still devastated about our last failure and still trying to figure out its purpose in my life, but I also have come realize, through these recent failures, how lucky I am to have gotten my son.  There are no guarantees in life and I was never guaranteed my son.  So I'll love on my DS a little more and say a little prayer to God, "Why me, why do I get to be so lucky?".

Back to square one

I coordinated what turned out to be a great plan.  I decided that I would let the clinic call my DH at work, then I could call him when I wake up and it would soften the blow.  So that's what we did.  And, it worked, it softened the blow.  I actually thought all morning that I felt pregnant, but that must have been my mind playing tricks on me.  I called my DH when I woke up this afternoon and his words, "We're back to square one".  He spent the next 45 minutes just talking, giving his thoughts, and being supportive (a lot more than the RN would have done from the clinic!).  We ARE back to square one.  I guess we'll take few minutes to absorb all of this and go from here.

Blissfully Ignorant

As the title explains, I've gone with the option of just thinking that anything is still possible and until I get the phone call, I could very well be pregnant.  This decision actually has seemed so "right", which is weird to me.  I could hardly sleep with my first IVF waiting for the next morning when I could test again.  I just HAD to know what the result was.  Luckily, it worked out positively (no pun intended) and I got a BFP before the beta.  With my FET in August, I was the same way, but much more convinced that it was going to be a BFP tomorrow, which of course, it never was.  I hated going in for my beta, getting poked after I already knew I wasn't pregnant was just mean.  I did hold out a glimmer of hope that some chance it was a positive beta (that the obsessive HPT's were all wrong), but the call came to confirm.  So maybe this round deserves a totally different approach.  I'll just wait and be surprised by the phone call (oh the pressure!).  At least I can peacefully hold out lots of hope up until the very last minute.  Gosh, I hope I don't embarrass myself on the phone, no matter what the outcome.

I thought that starting the night shift this week would be awful (and, well it is, I hate nights!), but the silver lining is that I'm so tired that I sleep and I'm too tired to worry about HPT's.  I actually think I can make it until Monday without going crazy.

9dp3dt

So this morning I took my 6th HPT.  I bought 10 and had one left over, so I decided to spend 11 days testing.  I thought that if I saw a series of "expected" BFNs then I wouldn't get so emotional about not ever seeing a BFP.  Well, that theory is just supid!  I got my 6th BFN today and I already had an arguement with my DH this morning about how we were going to finance another fresh cycle.  I've spent the entire morning researching fertility clinics (I plan to change, if needed) and "moving on".  I guess today was the day of absolute for me.  I got my BFP with my son at 9dp3dt and therefore, that is the measurement.  I realize that every pregnancy is different and I've come down a little this afternoon, maybe its not over... yet!  I have rationalized some crazy senerios in my mind today (an infertile woman in the 2ww is just not mentally well, no matter how they appear).  I figured that since the embryos lost some cells, they may take an extra day or two to kick in and get it together, therefore, of course, an extra day or two to implant. 

Speaking of implantation, I woke up, out of a sound sleep in the middle of the night last night, with the WORST cramp ever!!!  I honestly felt nauseous and had to sit up and double over.  I actually grabbed the phone (no, not my DH soundly sleeping next to me) to call my sister (an L & D nurse) to see if I should go to the hospital.  I had that "something is very wrong" feeling.  It lasted about 3-4 minutes and got a little better when I walked down the hall.  Then it left and I went back to sleep.  Could it be implantation?  Is it too late for that?  Of course not, I can make up any story I want until the beta comes back... right?

So my obsession with POAS may be over.  I'm not sure I can handle it.  Interestingly, I have to work tonight (7p-7a) for the first time, so my FMU won't really be until tomorrow afternoon when I wake up.  I may chicken out by then.  I know I can't wait until the phone call with my beta results and I do still have a slew of HPT's left, but I may just wait until Monday AM before my beta.  Its a choice between blissfully ignorant and knowledgably prepared, not sure where I stand.

I Would Die For That

I'm on my last day of laying around.  I technically could get up and move about today, but my son is at day care, DH at work, and I have no other obligations.  I'm trying to convince those little embryos that this place is quiet and calm, a place they may want to stick around in, for say 8 more months!  It would seem that sitting around and doing nothing but cruising the internet and watching TV is any person's dream (especially one that works full time, goes to school and has a young child), but I'm actually getting bored.  So while I'm google searching everything fertility/ infertility (what else is there?!) I ran across the most amazing song.  Kellie Coffey's "I Would Die For That" Video .  A song about infertility.  A simply moving song, just in itself, but the video is so very powerful.  I watched it twice (so far) and tears have been pouring down my face.  It took me right back to the heartache of wanting a baby so badly and not knowing if that will ever happen.  I catch myself, almost always, and snap back to the happy place of holding my son.  It happened, I am a mom, I have a baby, I am so blessed.  But, a little piece of my heart is still there, wanting, waiting, painfully disappointed that I have found myself here, on this journey, again.

Its hard to decide what waiting is most difficult.  The waiting while your trying, the waiting until the RE says its time, the waiting until the transfer, or the waiting until the pregnancy test.  It may seem that waiting for the pregnancy test would be the easiest, but I've decided its probably the hardest.  At this point, there is an answer waiting for you.  An answer so defiinte that it WILL change your life (in a great way or not-so-great way).  Nothing left to do, nothing left to change, just plain waiting.

"No Embryo Left Behind"

Yesterday was transfer day.  We had our last set of embryos "returned" to us for our frozen embryo transfer.  Out of our remaining 4 embryos, 2 survived the thaw.  One was a grade 3, one a grade 2 (out of possible grade 4).  This made the decision with how many to transfer much easier because we were only comfortable transferring 2 anyway.  God definitely took that stress away.  During the transfer, the RE inserts the embryos through a catheter into my uterus, then the embryologist is standing there to examine the catheter through the microscope to make sure the embryos are not left in the catheter.  So while she was checking the catheter, I said that "this is it", we didn't want to leave anything here, especially since we didn't have any frozen embryos left.  My RE said, "Yes, 'No Embryo Left Behind' today", which we all thought was funny.

It's true, we have - whatever the outcome - completed this cycle of our life that began 5 years ago.  In fact, our first transfer for our son was 5 years ago tomorrow.  It's interesting to think about what I thought would have happened in these last 5 years.  I thought my family would have at least 1 more child in it, if not 2.  And for some optimistically strange reason, I thought I would never see all 8 of the frozen embryos again.  Strangely, sitting here now I consider myself blessed to have seen with my own eyes all 10 embryos that my DH, myself and God created.  How many people can say that?

So for now we just wait...again!  We've done all we can, it is up to God to do the rest.  I'll spend the next 2 days resting and meditating and the next 2 weeks anxiously waiting.  Most importantly through this I'll be praying that we get another answered prayer.

Next stop, FET

Today is CD14. I had my third and final u/s and bloodwork this morning. So far things have been going smoothly. My body has gone successfully from menopause to puberty in 2 weeks (and I feel it!!). My lining is 8.9, which is good. My estrogen level was right on target last week, and I anticipate it will be today. I have been doing my twice/ weekly estrogen shots and I'm getting a little sloppy with those. My DH gave me my last one, so it went a little better (the ones I gave myself were starting to hurt - my technique or aim was bad). Tomorrow I get to start the daily PIO shots - hopefully I can get some help with those so I don't ruin my back side! I've had a positive attitude and I think that's been helpful. I have made a point to stick to one particular nurse at the RE's office, who is the nicest, happiest, sunshiniest nurse I've seen in a long time. She doesn't seem to mind that I ask ridiculous ("what if...") questions every time I go in. So if for some reason this doesn't work, I can at least say this experience was much, much better!

So Monday is the day. Hard to believe that I could be pregnant Monday, just like that. So, here we go... next stop - transfer!

Serenity

Timing is everything. I do believe that there are no coincidences in life and that there is Divine intervention apparent in so many things. My DH and I went off to spend the weekend with 4 other couples we have known a very long time and are very close to. I had not shared my recent "part 2" struggle with them. My intention was to disguise my struggle and have a mental vacation from all of this. There were obviously other plans at hand. We girls spent an afternoon at the Serenity Day Spa for treatments and at the peak of my relaxation and vulnerability, the subject came up. As predicted, the flood gates opened. As hard as I tried to hold everything back (I mean this was very much against the rules to put myself out there like this), they, being the God-sent conduit to my emotional freedom, encouraged me to unload my burden. It was in this dreaded state of emotional vulnerability and pain that I found surprising serenity. I certainly did not plan to reveal this to my friends, but in doing so I have realized the power of support. I have to believe that God wants me to feel supported and encouraged by this. Ironically at the spa, a candy wrapper of mine had an inspirational quote in it, "the blessing is in the journey". I am slowly seeing this to be true and I can only hope I come out on the other side (no matter what the outcome) a more blessed person.

So tomorrow is CD 1. I'm going in scared, optimistic, but serene. It is what it is, I am who I am, and what will be, will be.... but I will not be alone.

Going to need shades

I went today for a saline u/s to prepare for round 2 of round 2 (our 2nd FET). My RE can be very confusing some times and this makes me very anxious, not really a quality you look for in an RE! He said I needed to wait until I started my period to then start the FET process (he told me this in Dec). Today he said I didn't need to wait and I could take provera and then start the process. But alas, meeting with the nurse to sort out the final details, he changes his mind again and said there was no need for the provera, just schedule the start of the FET. This is actually great news for me, it gives me a definite time line and I've actually put all of my dates on my calendar. I've decided to have a positive outlook on this process. To think of this transfer as I did with my son - THIS WILL WORK. I think I pouted a little to much last time about having to do a FET. This time, I'm glad to have this option. I have 3 weeks until I start the meds (ugh, the shots!!!) and I'm looking forward to it. I told my RE that I only want to put in 2 embryos (assuming we have 2 or more) and he agreed. I'm putting on my positive attitude and I'm feeling like my future is bright.... I'm going to need some shades!