In God's Time

Here is the conclusion to the previous post.  I can't explain why it has taken me so long to post this, except for the usual excuses of not having enough time, but there is something deeper that has kept me away and I cannot put my finger on it. 

I have never thought of myself as "lucky" (not sure if there are people who do, but I certainly look at others and wish I had their "luck").  I do consider myself blessed and try very hard to never, never take for granted all that I have been given (good and bad); the opportunity in challenges and the glory in the good times.  I once thought of my struggle to conceive my son as a challenging burden to bear, a badge of honor that I had overcome this diversity, but have come to realize in my recent journey how blessed and maybe "lucky" I really was to get him so seemingly easy with IVF.   So the rest of this story seems a paradox to all that I have felt through this journey and maybe that is my hesitation in embracing, and blogging, it.

As an "infertile" woman, at any stage in their journey, I have to imagine that all have fantasized about being "surprised" by a random, unexpected positive HPT. Its like the brief "what would I do if I won the lottery" scenario that floats through your head every once in while.  Very unlikely, but fun to think about and wish you had that kind of "luck".  You hear of people that struggle and then end up pregnant all on their own.  I know a few of these people and while I love their stories and are truly thankful for God's blessings on them, there is always that tiny bit of "why can't that just happen to me" that occurs. 

So here it is.  As I previously posted, I prayed for peace to not be in a desperate place of wanting to get pregnant or wanting to have another child.  God granted me this peace and I was so grateful.  My DH and I poured ourselves and our love into our one glorious blessing of our son and that filled our hearts.  We decided we needed to have a yard sale and going through our things, we found that most of the items that filled our attic and spare spaces was unused baby gear and clothes.  My DH, being so very understanding and patient never pushed me to get rid of these things, but it was obvious to me that  there was no point in holding on to them.  So after as much procrastination as I could bargain, we had the sale.  There was an immense amount of anxiety that surrounded these things and found myself defensive when someone wanted to haggle for something that was so precious and, to me, priceless.  Did they know how much joy that baby carrier brought me holding my son and the pain of knowing I couldn't have another baby to put in it?  But at the end of it, I did feel a sense of relief and freedom and knew God would, as He has before, return me to peace. 

Before the true peace came, a few days later we were preparing to go on a camping trip.  And thinking about the timing of things I realized that my period was soon to come and I dreaded the thought of that combination.  The night before our trip I was frustrated thinking that I would most definitely start my period on the trip, but looked to my calendar for hope that I was remembering my weeks wrong.  To my surprise, I was remembering my weeks wrong, but in the other direction, I was days - almost a week late.  While the thought of being pregnant did quickly run through my mind, I also knew it was not likely and this has happened before.  I was more frustrated that my period was inevitably going to start while we were camping (this was not going to be a fun trip).  I mentioned it to my DH and told him I would humor the fertility gods and mother nature (that seem to think this kind of thing is funny) and buy a $1 HPT.  Well, are you figuring out the rest of the story yet... it was positive.  Of course I knew that I wasn't actually pregnant, I mean, this sort of "luck" doesn't happen to me.  We went camping, me waiting for my period that whole time, and after nothing, took another test days later.  That one was again positive.

A flood of anxiety hit.  The moment every infertile woman dreams of had come, but with it came so much anticipation and potential that I almost couldn't handle it.  I'd had a positive test before, one that gave us our son, but the other that had very recently challenged almost all of my faith and sucked so much joy from me, it was almost hard to breathe.  I called my OB and made an appointment.  They would see me in a month... a month!  That's how long I had to wait with this anxiety to find out what would be the fate of this fortune.  My DH and I almost didn't talk about it for that entire month.  We told no one, especially our son, and while there was hope, there was more guarded anxiety for what might be.  We went to the first OB appointment and the tension among my DH and I was thick.  My midwife perform a quick u/s, printed us a picture, checked the size with dates and asked if we had any questions.  My question, through budding tears, "Is everything okay, is there a heartbeat?".  She acted a little surprised and in a matter-of-fact way said everything was great.  I explained that our last u/s experience was not a happy one and then she "got it" and sympathetically restated that everything looked great.  I, of course, was in full blown tears at this point, with my DH not far behind.   We were going to have a baby.

So with that news, we told our son soon after the appointment.  He truly acted as if he had received the best, most awesome gift ever and has not stopped being excited.  My DH and I still fought our apprehension and have not until recently embraced this wonderful, God sent blessing.  We waited to tell people for a long time (well after the end of my first trimester), I guess waiting for the end of the "If its too good to be true..." statement to kick in, but it hasn't.  I am 20 weeks today and feeling great.  We had our level 2 u/s last week and still everything appears great.  We chose not to find out what we are having, and the excitement along with the overwhelming, "we have to start all over again with parenting" thoughts have taken over.

I know God chose this blessing to come to us in this way, at this time in our lives for such a specific reason and that kind of peace is so reassuring.  I, more than ever before, feel out of control and that God is in control and that is a peaceful and wonderful and reassuring place.   

Revelation

It's hard to believe its been a year since I posted here.  It just doesn't seem possible that 12 whole months have past, yet many changes have happened in these 12 months.

First, to finish the previous post, which I was too depressed to explore any further, I did have a miscarriage in early September as expected.  The miscarriage itself was not sad or somber, as one would expect.  I know this is all due to the long mourning that had taken place for the weeks leading up to it.  I opted out of a D & C or other medications to "bring on" the miscarriage and decided to let things happen in due time.  It only took about 2 weeks after our final u/s, which we were told to expect.   It actually was more of a relief for this sad roller coaster to come to its resting place in my head and body.

I managed to muster up the courage to visit my primary RE in November to get a recap of what "went wrong" and what our fertility future held.  My DH had a last minute conflict with his schedule and could not join me, which I actually found more helpful, especially when I didn't have to look over at him for his reaction to my "what if we tried this..." questions, that were very much hypothetical, but I needed to have answered to go forward "informed".  My RE all but begged me to do IVF again stating it was bad luck with the miscarriage (meaning it had nothing to do with any we/ he did, just statistically unfortunate to be one to miscarry).  He could not, at least to my comfort, explain why we had no embryos to freeze.  He insisted that he would give us just as much of a chance with another IVF as he did the first time, which he reiterated was a good chance of becoming pregnant.  Money came up far from subtly, by me, with this conversation and he acknowledged that decision and encouraged us to apply for a local scholarship that funds a few couples for ART, mostly IVF each year.  This scholarship requires a RE referral letter, which he stated he would highly recommend us as good pregnancy candidates if we choose to apply.  I tell you this because I don't want to give the impression he was only after another $15k, I did feel that he felt confident in our success with IVF.  Nevertheless, another IVF was never up for negotiation with DH and I for so many reasons, despite my RE's  confidence.  I frankly asked him what our chances would be to conceive naturally from this point on.  He brought up all the factors he considered and determined that if we had perfectly timed intercourse for 1 year, he would only give us a 1% chance of being pregnant at the end of that year.  Ugh.  So, I left the consultation with the thought that we could try some other "less expensive" ART (injectables or frozen embryo adoption) or resolve to put this to rest.  I needed a revelation.

One of my favorite bands these days is Third Day.  Their title track Revelation has always spoken to me about this infertility journey.  Here are some of the words to help explain:

"My life, has led me down the road that's so uncertain.
And now I am left alone and I am broken.
Trying to find my way,
trying to find the faith that's gone.
This time, I know that You are holding all the answers.
I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem, to be the ones that bring me home.

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way,
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You

My life, has led me down this path that's ever winding.
Through every twist and turn I'm always finding,
That I am lost again (I am lost again)
Tell me when this road will ever end..."


I spent a lot of time praying for peace in this journey, now more of a past tense event, and wondering where to go from here.  I've prayed to God to "tell me should I stay here, or do I need to move"; do I continue to pursue another child, or move in another direction.  If you had asked me 8 years ago if I would ever feel this way, I would have bet my life that it wasn't possible, but somehow, God answered that prayer and gave me a peace that led me to "move".  I began thinking about our family as the three of us and the mourning for another child faded.  That is not so say that others' pregnancy news didn't still sting, buying a house without "room to expand" didn't make me sad, or selling my baby things at a yard sale make me ache for an excuse to keep them, but these were fleeting emotions that didn't settle in and bring up more mourning.


I was given my revelation.  To have the faith that I am exactly where God wants me to be and that His plan is perfect.  My peace was realizing that this meant abandoning my intense search and relishing in the blessing of my son.  This was a good feeling.  This was a good place to be. 


The story, to be continued...