Torture

My body is just torturing me!  I have, and probably forever will, hold out hope every month that by some miracle I naturally got pregnant.  I begin to analyze each little symptom about a week before AF is due.  A little history, I have chronic spotting and so it usually starts about 1 week before AF and gradually gets heavier.  I usually have some cramps, which are mostly manageable prior to AF.  All of this being fairly typical PMS stuff.  There have been several months that I have had really light spotting and AF will run a little late (maybe 12 -24 hrs), and my hopes begin to soar, I usually take a HPT (and AF usually starts as I'm waiting for the test lines to appear!) and once its negative, I move on, AF comes, cycle begins again (mentally and physically).  Well this cycle I was due for AF yesterday.  I have yet to have a single symptom.  No spotting (not even a hint) and no cramping.  Of course I patiently waited until this morning to do a HPT, trying to stay grounded with realistic hopes, but, as the title would imply, it was negative.  So, I'm convinced my body is just trying to torture me.  I'm sure its a rebound from all the FET meds, but this has not happened before following a medicated cycle.  I guess I am again reminded that this is all far beyond my control.

#39922

I had the most pathetic and stupid moment yesterday.  My DH and I went to a new fertility clinic in town to meet and greet with another RE.  I requested a copy of my record from my old clinic to transfer, but (as usual with this unorganized clinic) they didn't respond to my phone call in time to have it done through their outsourced service, so they had to make a copy by hand and I had to pick it up.  I actually was a little glad to have the opportunity to hold it in my hand and look it over.  So, as we met with the new RE I handed over the large packet of medical records.  Aside from my stupid moment, handing this over was like handing over a mountain of emotional trials, all wrapped up in a manila envelope.  So here comes the stupid part, at the end of our meeting he handed me a piece of paper with some labs he wanted to order.  On the top of this paper was my new medical record number for this new clinic.  And there it was, for the first time in over 6 years was not #39922, my old MR # at the old clinic, and I started to cry (I cry now thinking about it).  So bare with my insanity for a minute here, this number has meant so much to me.  It was the number I carried through all of my cycles of ART at this clinic.  I had to use this number to enter in when I called the voice mail system about lab results and to get medication orders for the next day during all of my IUI, IVF, FET cycles.  So while most people never know their MR numbers, I got to know this particular one by heart through all these cycles.  I know, it just sounds stupid.  I guess what I realized as well was that, while I am glad to be starting fresh somewhere else and I had a really negative experience at my other clinic, I really do feel like I'm at square one, like 6 years ago when I started at the other clinic.  Regardless of the clinic itself, I had nevertheless invested 6 years of strong emotions into that clinic and now that door is closed, and I'm starting new again.  Its overwhelming.

With regards to starting new, I'm not really sure what that means for us right now.  My DH and I thought we would suck it up (financially) and do another fresh cycle, but after meeting with the financial person at the clinic, and being told that it would be at least $15-16K, we aren't sure.  While we knew this before hand, somehow hearing them sort it all out made it seem real.  That's hard to swallow.  Its even harder to swallow knowing we have been so blessed with our son.  It just doesn't seem fair to again have to choose b/w debt or a child.  It is truly a numbing feeling.

So while I thought our next step was a fresh IVF, I honestly don't know.  For the first time, in my life, I am debating on letting something I want so badly just go.  I'm the type of person that fights for what I want, "no matter what", "at all cost", I always look for a way to make it happen, but I'm just not so sure about this time.  And I know there is no price tag on a baby, but putting our family in debt just doesn't feel right either.  I can only describe my thoughts as numb.  Unfortunately, my DH is not helpful.  He would like another child but adamantly does not want more debt.  So he is supportive of whatever I decide.  I know I will not ever let the dream go and I know that it will haunt me, but I also know that these are the cards we've been dealt and maybe its time to succumb to that reality.  I met a friend today for a play date and she asked when we left what she could pray for me, and I thought for a second and decided that resolution was what I needed.  Resolution to go forward without regrets with a fresh cycle or resolution to be satisfied with our blessing we've been given and move on with life.

The Elephant

I haven't quite figured out why I think this, but I do.  I assume that people who know about this infertility journey are always "reading" me for information about the infertility.  Yes, its conspiracy theory at its best and I acknowledge how ridiculous it seems and sounds, but nevertheless I still feel it.  I feel like I have somehow "become" my infertility, but no one wants to directly talk about it.  So now that we have our second FET failure and I opened up to friends and family about our last try, I feel like everyone is curious about our next step, which is fine, but no one wants to be the one to ask.  I can't tell if its more difficult to have someone close just not talk about it at all or to have the vague questions that I'm stuck in limbo about answering.  For example, I have 2 sisters that I am incredibly close to.  I spend more time face-to-face with one and more time chatting on the phone with the other.  The one I see more never brings up the subject.  She never asks "whats new" with the fertility plan, never asks how I'm feeling about it or anything.  I definitely don't think its because she doesn't care, I assume she worries that I don't want to talk about it or that its inappropriate to ask.  So sometimes when we're together I hope that the topic works its way into the conversation so that we can talk about it, but that makes for a slight awkwardness on my part, and to be quite honest, all this fertility stuff probably doesn't even cross her mind!  While I don't want to have a conversation about it to just anyone, I still deal with this EVERYDAY and would still like to acknowledge it, but feel selfish or awkward if I bring it up.  The other sister did the "so how are things going?" question the other day.  My mind always races when people who know our history ask me that.  Are they just making small talk or are they asking about my infertility and just don't want to come out and say that?  Ugh. I felt safe enough with her to just come right out and tell her what was going on with the fertility, I needed that to be what she was asking.  When its someone not as close, its not that easy to decide.  This is one reason I chose to keep this topic so intimate before.  I don't mind if people know, I just hate the constant assumption that people want to know, but are just not comfortable asking, so they ask a general question to leave the door open, but...wait.... maybe they aren't asking and I'd be making a fool of myself to bring it up.  I get that people don't want to just come right out and ask about our infertility, but I just hate wondering if they are wondering, but not wanting to assume.  So the elephant no one mentions is back to following me around again, invading my space when talking to other people.  I can fondly look back at the couple of years after having my son when the question of "how are things going" was just a question, not this awkward moment of assumptions.  I know it sounds like a conspiracy because chances are it doesn't even cross people's minds, but, unfortunately, it crosses my constantly.