Week one

I think I have actually gone crazy! I am convincing myself that I could still be pregnant, even though I had AF and a BFN. It happened to my sister just recently and she's now pregnant. I go to see my RE tomorrow. I haven't been to see them since they told me the exciting news that we had a tiny heartbeat inside! I already have anxiety and hesitation with what he might say and what he will recommend. I want to just fast forward to a FET and get my BFP. UGH! What if it doesn't work? What if we exhaust all of our frozen embryos and then I'm stuck with nothing to work with? We don't have the insurance to cover another fresh cycle of IVF! What if I'm just acting a little too crazy, a little too early! Well, tomorrow I'll get some more information and just go from there.

BFN #1

Okay, I've never blogged before, but today I'm feeling that I need to do something therapeutic with all these emotions and since I don't have access to a therapist, I've decided to blog. Today I got my first BFN and a heavy, unwanted AF. I'm completely in tears and desperately calling my DH about how my clock is ticking away and how quickly we need to move onto to more aggressive measures.

A little history.... my husband and I have a beautiful and delightful little 3 year old son. He is truly our answered prayers because we worked for 2 years to conceive him. We tried all sorts of ART and found our pot of gold with IVF. I have stage III endometriosis, which is the suspected reason for our infertility. I have been on BCP's since I had him in hopes of reducing my endo. and "preserving" some fertility. We put off trying for our #2 b/c God has called to me to change careers and return to school. This is fine, I'm going along with this plan, but now that I am finally in a position to have #2, I don't want to wait!

I went to my OB/GYN to have a pre-conception consultation and annual exam. She informs me that the "spot" that was "not really a fibroid" last year needed to be looked at b/c it is, in fact (according to her notations), a fibroid and could impact my fertility.... if I were fertile (which I'm probably not). I'm upset that I now have another barrier to this whole process. I thought I would "show" her and get pregnant on my own this month, but as my title describes.... no luck! Hence, the desperation. What if she's right and I now have a dysfunctional uterus to compliment my dysfunctional "other stuff".

Yes, it seems excessive to jump the gun at 1 BFN, but I am faced with the reality that fertility is not going to come easy for me, if at all, and I'm terrified of this journey I know all too much about.