Why Me?

As I'm sitting here after tucking in my adorable 4 year old son I wonder, why me?  Not, why not me, why I haven't been given something, or why did this have to happen to me, but why me... why did God choose me to take care of such a beautiful, loving child like my DS?  I am having to take time out over the past few days and regroup and rethink what I've been given in this life.  Yes, I've been given the tough journey of infertility, twice now, but I have also been given the opportunity to conceive and carry a child, which is more than some.  I've also been given the opportunity to have the love of my child in my heart and to hear "Mommy", the sweetest words.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still devastated about our last failure and still trying to figure out its purpose in my life, but I also have come realize, through these recent failures, how lucky I am to have gotten my son.  There are no guarantees in life and I was never guaranteed my son.  So I'll love on my DS a little more and say a little prayer to God, "Why me, why do I get to be so lucky?".

Back to square one

I coordinated what turned out to be a great plan.  I decided that I would let the clinic call my DH at work, then I could call him when I wake up and it would soften the blow.  So that's what we did.  And, it worked, it softened the blow.  I actually thought all morning that I felt pregnant, but that must have been my mind playing tricks on me.  I called my DH when I woke up this afternoon and his words, "We're back to square one".  He spent the next 45 minutes just talking, giving his thoughts, and being supportive (a lot more than the RN would have done from the clinic!).  We ARE back to square one.  I guess we'll take few minutes to absorb all of this and go from here.

Blissfully Ignorant

As the title explains, I've gone with the option of just thinking that anything is still possible and until I get the phone call, I could very well be pregnant.  This decision actually has seemed so "right", which is weird to me.  I could hardly sleep with my first IVF waiting for the next morning when I could test again.  I just HAD to know what the result was.  Luckily, it worked out positively (no pun intended) and I got a BFP before the beta.  With my FET in August, I was the same way, but much more convinced that it was going to be a BFP tomorrow, which of course, it never was.  I hated going in for my beta, getting poked after I already knew I wasn't pregnant was just mean.  I did hold out a glimmer of hope that some chance it was a positive beta (that the obsessive HPT's were all wrong), but the call came to confirm.  So maybe this round deserves a totally different approach.  I'll just wait and be surprised by the phone call (oh the pressure!).  At least I can peacefully hold out lots of hope up until the very last minute.  Gosh, I hope I don't embarrass myself on the phone, no matter what the outcome.

I thought that starting the night shift this week would be awful (and, well it is, I hate nights!), but the silver lining is that I'm so tired that I sleep and I'm too tired to worry about HPT's.  I actually think I can make it until Monday without going crazy.

9dp3dt

So this morning I took my 6th HPT.  I bought 10 and had one left over, so I decided to spend 11 days testing.  I thought that if I saw a series of "expected" BFNs then I wouldn't get so emotional about not ever seeing a BFP.  Well, that theory is just supid!  I got my 6th BFN today and I already had an arguement with my DH this morning about how we were going to finance another fresh cycle.  I've spent the entire morning researching fertility clinics (I plan to change, if needed) and "moving on".  I guess today was the day of absolute for me.  I got my BFP with my son at 9dp3dt and therefore, that is the measurement.  I realize that every pregnancy is different and I've come down a little this afternoon, maybe its not over... yet!  I have rationalized some crazy senerios in my mind today (an infertile woman in the 2ww is just not mentally well, no matter how they appear).  I figured that since the embryos lost some cells, they may take an extra day or two to kick in and get it together, therefore, of course, an extra day or two to implant. 

Speaking of implantation, I woke up, out of a sound sleep in the middle of the night last night, with the WORST cramp ever!!!  I honestly felt nauseous and had to sit up and double over.  I actually grabbed the phone (no, not my DH soundly sleeping next to me) to call my sister (an L & D nurse) to see if I should go to the hospital.  I had that "something is very wrong" feeling.  It lasted about 3-4 minutes and got a little better when I walked down the hall.  Then it left and I went back to sleep.  Could it be implantation?  Is it too late for that?  Of course not, I can make up any story I want until the beta comes back... right?

So my obsession with POAS may be over.  I'm not sure I can handle it.  Interestingly, I have to work tonight (7p-7a) for the first time, so my FMU won't really be until tomorrow afternoon when I wake up.  I may chicken out by then.  I know I can't wait until the phone call with my beta results and I do still have a slew of HPT's left, but I may just wait until Monday AM before my beta.  Its a choice between blissfully ignorant and knowledgably prepared, not sure where I stand.

I Would Die For That

I'm on my last day of laying around.  I technically could get up and move about today, but my son is at day care, DH at work, and I have no other obligations.  I'm trying to convince those little embryos that this place is quiet and calm, a place they may want to stick around in, for say 8 more months!  It would seem that sitting around and doing nothing but cruising the internet and watching TV is any person's dream (especially one that works full time, goes to school and has a young child), but I'm actually getting bored.  So while I'm google searching everything fertility/ infertility (what else is there?!) I ran across the most amazing song.  Kellie Coffey's "I Would Die For That" Video .  A song about infertility.  A simply moving song, just in itself, but the video is so very powerful.  I watched it twice (so far) and tears have been pouring down my face.  It took me right back to the heartache of wanting a baby so badly and not knowing if that will ever happen.  I catch myself, almost always, and snap back to the happy place of holding my son.  It happened, I am a mom, I have a baby, I am so blessed.  But, a little piece of my heart is still there, wanting, waiting, painfully disappointed that I have found myself here, on this journey, again.

Its hard to decide what waiting is most difficult.  The waiting while your trying, the waiting until the RE says its time, the waiting until the transfer, or the waiting until the pregnancy test.  It may seem that waiting for the pregnancy test would be the easiest, but I've decided its probably the hardest.  At this point, there is an answer waiting for you.  An answer so defiinte that it WILL change your life (in a great way or not-so-great way).  Nothing left to do, nothing left to change, just plain waiting.

"No Embryo Left Behind"

Yesterday was transfer day.  We had our last set of embryos "returned" to us for our frozen embryo transfer.  Out of our remaining 4 embryos, 2 survived the thaw.  One was a grade 3, one a grade 2 (out of possible grade 4).  This made the decision with how many to transfer much easier because we were only comfortable transferring 2 anyway.  God definitely took that stress away.  During the transfer, the RE inserts the embryos through a catheter into my uterus, then the embryologist is standing there to examine the catheter through the microscope to make sure the embryos are not left in the catheter.  So while she was checking the catheter, I said that "this is it", we didn't want to leave anything here, especially since we didn't have any frozen embryos left.  My RE said, "Yes, 'No Embryo Left Behind' today", which we all thought was funny.

It's true, we have - whatever the outcome - completed this cycle of our life that began 5 years ago.  In fact, our first transfer for our son was 5 years ago tomorrow.  It's interesting to think about what I thought would have happened in these last 5 years.  I thought my family would have at least 1 more child in it, if not 2.  And for some optimistically strange reason, I thought I would never see all 8 of the frozen embryos again.  Strangely, sitting here now I consider myself blessed to have seen with my own eyes all 10 embryos that my DH, myself and God created.  How many people can say that?

So for now we just wait...again!  We've done all we can, it is up to God to do the rest.  I'll spend the next 2 days resting and meditating and the next 2 weeks anxiously waiting.  Most importantly through this I'll be praying that we get another answered prayer.