The Search is Over

I have to warn you that I'm typing this on Thursday (7/22) night while its still fresh in my mind, but I'm probably not going to post for a couple of days, just to let things sit.

I woke up yesterday afternoon (after sleeping b/c of night shift) and as soon as I got out of bed I had a gush of bright red blood.  I immediately began to shake and sob.  It was over.  This was AF and it didn't even wait until after my beta.  I thought to call the clinic, but they already turned their phones off for the afternoon.  My only option was to go as a walk-in this morning to see if they would go ahead and do a beta to get this over with and move on.  Between that time though, I had to work a 12 hr shift, and not seem like the mess I was.  Interestingly, the bleeding stopped within the 1/2 hour, but that still didn't leave much room for hope, it was a lot of blood.

At the walk-in appointment, they offered to do my beta early (scheduled to be done tomorrow), but said sympathetically that it was probably negative.  I went home to "sleep".  I managed to get a few hours in before my stomach churned so hard I had to get up and check my messages.  There it was, Dr. Park's voice telling me that..... I was, to my great surprise, pregnant!  I began to shake and sob, again!  My beta at 8dp5dt was 79, which he said was a great number.  He said my progesterone was okay too and that my "incident" did not appear to be threatening the pregnancy.  I don't go back for 4 days for the f/u beta though, which makes me anxious.  I'm going to be a mess waiting until the u/s when I can actually see a heartbeat and know that everything is real.

Sadly, and ironically timed, we got the embryo report in the mail today.  The embryologist called last week and I was too chicken to call her back.  She explained she would be sending the report, so I just decided to wait until then.  I didn't want the extra pressure of waiting on my beta and potentially knowing that none of the embryos could be frozen.  As much I found that scenario hard to believe (and still do), that is, unfortunately the case.  The report stated that none of our remaining 4 blasts continued growing past day 5 (differentiating) and therefore, were not viable to freeze.  This news makes me a little sad for those embryos, but it also makes me even more anxious for this pregnancy.  Anxious because this is truly it, "do or die" as my DH says and also makes me afraid that these embryos inside me are not viable and this is a chemical pregnancy.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not 'Debbie Downer' about my fantastic news today, but going through all of this, I know too well what hurdles are left to jump, and there are plenty of them. 

As the title states, the search is officially over.  I expect that we will meet our little blessing (or two - ha!) in late March/ early April, but if for some reason, something doesn't go right, we have nothing left to give, we are done.  Truly, but sadly, this is a peaceful feeling, to finally put this 'life' of infertility behind us and move forward, just being us, just being our family.

***Update: I had my repeat beta this morning (7/26) and it was 246, so it is doubling just fine.  One more hurdle down and a million (it seems) to go.  Our u/s is scheduled for 8/12 and I am absolutely terrified!  I don't remember being this scared waiting for my son's u/s.  I think I was just blissful and going with the flow.  I was younger (meaning time to keep trying), had embryos in the freezer, and lots of courage for the journey ahead.  This time, its just still so stressful to think that this is it, this is the end.  I need lots of prayers to stay sane until 8/12.  After a good healthy heartbeat, I'll relax (at least a little).  But until then....

To my family and friends that follow me here on my blog, I'm too nervous to talk about or share the news just yet.  I'm excited, but as I stated before, apprehensive.  So, for now, I'm going to just hold tight until my u/s, then I'll be ready to celebrate.  Keep praying, please!

7dp5dt

Its 7dp5dt, which is the same day I got a BFP for my son (9dp3dt).  I've thought a lot about today, about testing, about how this day felt for my DS's cycle.  DH and I still haven't decided for sure what we'll do to find out.  I guess that means I'm not as anxious as I thought I was, or it just means I'm in denial that this cycle will be over in a few days.  I'm either going to be pregnant or not, but for now, I'm neither and that's safe. 

I've pictured myself after my beta with either result.  Neither is actually easy to envision.  I think that being pregnant sounds so far off, yet not being pregnant seems overwhelmingly sad.  I know I'll be excited (without question) if I'm pregnant, but I honestly cannot wrap my head around that thought.  I think back to my son's cycle and I was naive thinking it would work and not really expecting that it wouldn't.  Same with my first FET.  The second FET, I was more apprhensive and more realistic to the possiblities.  This cycle, I just don't know how I feel.  All signs are positive, but I just can't get excited.

I'm staying peaceful and hopeful, only a few days left.  God, please carry me the distance!

Pictures and nothing new

Still drudging through my 2ww.  I cannot believe I still have a whole week left!  I can only imagine how slowly the time will pass while I'm at work.  Luckily I am working night shift this week, so usually I'm so tired I just work, sleep, and throw in a meal here and there.  That will get me to Thursday afternoon at least.  A friend asked me this weekend if I "felt" anything yet.  My only answer was anxiety :)!  I told her I pretty much had the same symptoms with my son's cycle that I did with the other 2 FET's, so nothing can be trusted.  My DH and I still have not decided on how we want to find out the results.  I know we'll wait until the day of my beta, but we're not sure yet if we want to test that morning for a personal time with the news (good or bad), or wait and listen to the voicemail when he gets home from work.  I'd like for him to decide.  I just can't even wrap my head around how anxious I'll be that day!

Here are, what I hope to be, the first glimpses of our darling little ones.  The one on top has the differentiating cells.  The cluster at the top is the fetal cells, the cluster at the bottom is the placental cells.  Absolutely amazing to me!

Return Unto Me

DH and I left temporarily from our week long vacation at the lake, bright and early this morning to get our first glimpse of our growing embryos.  The 6 embryos were continuing to turn into blasts and they transferred 2 back to me.  One of our little ones was already starting to differentiate, meaning there were fetal and placental/sac cells visible.  The other one was not there yet, but they said that occurs anytime today or tomorrow.  They will continue to look at the other 4 and if they continue to progress, freeze those.  These results are far better than I ever would have expected at the beginning of this cycle and quite honestly, better than I imagined when originally thinking of our fresh cycle. 

When deciding on the title of this post, it made sense to mention that my embryos were returned to me.  But in reality, when they last left my body they were simply one half of an equation and the lab fostered the rest.  As precise as that knowledge is, they are still MY embryos and they belong in me.  I do give credit to my wonderful DH for his contribution, but for some reason, I feel solely responsible for them and claim ownership of them.  They are mine and need to be returned to their rightful owner.  Not to be taken the wrong way, those embryos are OUR creation and any babies from them are equally ours, but its an eerie empitness to have them outside of me and a peaceful whole-ness to have them "returned".

So, now the daunting 2ww begins and the rest and relaxation commence.  I am so fortunate to be on vacation this week with 7 families that are some of my dearest friends, on the lake.  I have not been able to participate in the usual in-water lake activities, but my DH and son have and I have enjoyed watching them.  I am so blessed to be surrounded by such supportive and loving people.  This 2ww will be much more bearable than those in the past.

Going for the Gusto

We received our call this morning from the lab, we have 6 great embryos, all 8 cells (what they should be).  They are letting it ride another 2 days for a day 5/ blast transfer.  My nerves are reved up.  Its a gamble at this point.  Not that it is not a gamble to do a day 3 transfer, but there is a chance you will have less to maybe even none on day 5 to transfer.  The debate is whether those would have made it in the uterus had they been transferred on day 3 (so they didn't make it because of lab conditions) or were they just not going to make it anyway, anywhere and its a natural progression of things.

Yes, I realize all of this is more than I need to be worried about.  In fact, I shouldn't be worried at all.  They know what they are doing and they wouldn't have waited until day 5 if they weren't confident there would be at least 1-2 to transfer on Wednesday.  So, 2 more days without my embies.  I know they are in good hands, and hopefully I'll see them bright and early Wednesday morning! 

Grow embies, grow!

The Stats

Here's the latest... they were able to get 8 oocytes out, 7 were good enough to fertilize and 6 did.  So we have 6 embryos "cooking" in the lab.  We are pleased.  The embryoloist called with the update and explained that they would look at them on Monday morning.  If they looked "fantastic" (her words) then they would let them cook a little longer and go for a day 5 (blast) transfer on Wednesday.  If they were less than "fantastic" then they would go ahead with transfer on Monday at 10am. Either is fine with us.  We are just happy at this point we have something to put back in.

It is such a numbers obsession with me and this whole IVF thing.  I guess more = better.  More oocytes = more embryos = more chance of a baby (now or with FET).  Do we need more embryos after this IVF, no.  All we really want is to get our little baby and not have to argue about the left overs (DH is DONE.   Me, I could definitely see saying we should just put the left overs in later down the road and see what happens... no expectations).  The perfect scenario would be to have 2 blasts on day 5, no left overs, get pregnant and be done.  But, as I've learned, nothing is perfect.

I'm going to try to live in today, which is a whole day before any further information.  I can't change anything today and I'm going to try not to worry about tomorrow.  I'm praying for my patience and peace about this and praying for my little embies in the lab.  More news tomorrow!

Retrieval

Yesterday I went for another u/s and bw.  They again only measured 6 (there were more in the background, but either not big enough to measure or they couldn't see them very well b/c the u/s is 2D).  The dominant one was 19mm, followed by some 17's and 15's.  My E2 was 1964, which is a good number for 6 follicles.  So I triggered yesterday and have retrieval scheduled for 8am tomorrow morning.  I've done all I can do, the rest is out of my hands.  We will find out Saturday how many fertilized and when transfer will happen.  I'm hoping for a day 5 (blast) transfer, but a day 3 will be just fine (after all my DS is a former day 3'er).  After the retrieval there is nothing left to do but pray and rest.

Perfection (or lack thereof)

I consider myself a perfectionist.  I don't remember being this way when I was younger, but I have definitely become a relentless perfectionist at almost everything, getting worse with age.  I had to convince myself that B's were okay in graduate school (well almost convinced myself :)) and I try to remind myself that I am not perfect and neither should things be in my life.  I suppose perfection comes from my need to control, and my need to control comes from my emotional inability to handle disappointment well. 

So, as with everything else, I want this cycle to be perfect.  My standard of perfect is correlating to my son's IVF cycle or what the cookie cutter expectations are for IVF cycles (follicle number, growth, and E2).  This cycle has fallen off of the "perfect" path.  This cycle is by no means a failure and by no means at risk of canceling, but its just not going, well, perfect.  I had another u/s and BW today.  The u/s showed my lining looked great, but the follicles did not measure what they expected.  By today they would have expected my follicles to be at least 18mm and ready for retrieval.  I had 6 that they measured and they ranged from 12-17mm.  They gave me meds to take today (remember, I ran out yesterday - b/c I *should* be ready today) and I go back tomorrow.  Hopefully things look more promising tomorrow.  All of this makes me nervous about how many they'll actually retrieve that are mature.  I know they told me to expect to only get a handful based on my AMH, but I'm still a little in denial about that information (probably pointing back to the perfection thing).

I keep reminding myself that I am not in control of this, at all, and in the end, it only takes 1 to make a baby.

Steady goes it

Yesterday's u/s and bw results were expected, I suppose. The nurse counted and measured about 8 follicles, the largest being 14mm (18mm is considered mature) and my E2 was 803. The nurse called and said that all sounded good and things were on track. They did not schedule my ER yet, they want me back tomorrow. I run out of stims tonight, so I hope things are good with the appt tomorrow and they tell me to trigger tomorrow night (I just can't stop finding things to worry about!). I brought this to the nurse's attention and she had to think a minute about it. She said it 'should' be fine, I guess we'll all just cross our fingers.


I've compared this cycle with my son's IVF and they aren't matching up. I guess, despite my denial, my poor ovaries have gotten older in the past 5 years. I responded really well with my son's IVF with more follicles and a higher E2. I do keep it in perspective and I am happy that I do have, what looks like, 8 follicles for ER and I hope they are all good quality and all mature in the end. I'm actually incredibly grateful that I have responded and this is all going to happen!

On a quirky side note, the RE and RN have been chipper and encouraging in their tone when they left messages. Like saying "your estrogen was ..., that's good/ great...". So I wondered if it really is good/great, or do they say that to everyone. I'm sure they wouldn't say "well, that's not really good, but ...". Are they trying to keep us all calm so we won't worry?! I know, its quirky, and I'm sure untrue, but the thought did cross my mind.

Off to a good start

I had my first monitoring appointment yesterday (day 5 of stims) and I have to say I was completely nervous about what they would say.  I've been given such grim news about this cycle at every turn, I was sure there was going to be something else.  The nurse said she saw 4-5 follicles on one side and 4 on the other.  She said they were small (not measurable yet), which, in her tone, sounded a little behind.  I was surprised that I started a HEAVY (heavier than my norm) period on Sunday (day 2 of stims) and thought for sure my body was turning against me, this is the "grow and make welcome" phase of things, not the "get it all out" phase.  I emailed the nurse that day to let her know and to my surprise, she replied that they totally expected that.  Well, shows you what I know.  So at my u/s yesterday I was sure my lining would be thin and I would have to worry about catching up (I've had thin lining issues with other cycles), but, to my surprise, it was great, right where it should be!  My E2 is 172, which in the RE's words was "great".  So who knew, maybe things are actually working in there!

I looked back at my stats from my son's IVF and on stim day 5 I had 2 follicles, but my E2 was a little over 200.  That cycle I had a slow start and then picked up and ended up "cruising" (as they called it, still growing follicles without meds) at the end.  I ended up with 14 oocytes with that cycle, so I'm feeling pretty good about things this time. 

I don't go back until Sunday.  That seems like a long time.  My other clinic had me come in every day from stim day 5 until I was ready to for retrieval (7 days) and while I think that was excessive and expensive, it was nice to know how things were going day to day.  Maybe its better to not know and be able to relax and enjoy the ride until then.

Speaking of my appointment on Sunday, I arranged for a co-worker to cover me in the event I had an appointment Mon or Tues (she's doing IVF at my clinic as well and more than willing to help me out).  I didn't pre-arrange anyone for Sun because its July 4th and I was just SURE that they wouldn't want to see me then.  Well, as fate would have it, they do (of course), so I've been trying to find someone to cover for me.  Its not an easy task, it is a holiday!  I found one coworker, but she has already prefaced by saying that if they ask her if she wants to be reduced (called off, our census is low so they are reducing the staff by 5-6 people/ shift lately), she's taking it.  I know the scheduling thing will work out.  I'm trying not to get too worked up about it, really, I'm not.