The Search is Over

I have to warn you that I'm typing this on Thursday (7/22) night while its still fresh in my mind, but I'm probably not going to post for a couple of days, just to let things sit.

I woke up yesterday afternoon (after sleeping b/c of night shift) and as soon as I got out of bed I had a gush of bright red blood.  I immediately began to shake and sob.  It was over.  This was AF and it didn't even wait until after my beta.  I thought to call the clinic, but they already turned their phones off for the afternoon.  My only option was to go as a walk-in this morning to see if they would go ahead and do a beta to get this over with and move on.  Between that time though, I had to work a 12 hr shift, and not seem like the mess I was.  Interestingly, the bleeding stopped within the 1/2 hour, but that still didn't leave much room for hope, it was a lot of blood.

At the walk-in appointment, they offered to do my beta early (scheduled to be done tomorrow), but said sympathetically that it was probably negative.  I went home to "sleep".  I managed to get a few hours in before my stomach churned so hard I had to get up and check my messages.  There it was, Dr. Park's voice telling me that..... I was, to my great surprise, pregnant!  I began to shake and sob, again!  My beta at 8dp5dt was 79, which he said was a great number.  He said my progesterone was okay too and that my "incident" did not appear to be threatening the pregnancy.  I don't go back for 4 days for the f/u beta though, which makes me anxious.  I'm going to be a mess waiting until the u/s when I can actually see a heartbeat and know that everything is real.

Sadly, and ironically timed, we got the embryo report in the mail today.  The embryologist called last week and I was too chicken to call her back.  She explained she would be sending the report, so I just decided to wait until then.  I didn't want the extra pressure of waiting on my beta and potentially knowing that none of the embryos could be frozen.  As much I found that scenario hard to believe (and still do), that is, unfortunately the case.  The report stated that none of our remaining 4 blasts continued growing past day 5 (differentiating) and therefore, were not viable to freeze.  This news makes me a little sad for those embryos, but it also makes me even more anxious for this pregnancy.  Anxious because this is truly it, "do or die" as my DH says and also makes me afraid that these embryos inside me are not viable and this is a chemical pregnancy.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not 'Debbie Downer' about my fantastic news today, but going through all of this, I know too well what hurdles are left to jump, and there are plenty of them. 

As the title states, the search is officially over.  I expect that we will meet our little blessing (or two - ha!) in late March/ early April, but if for some reason, something doesn't go right, we have nothing left to give, we are done.  Truly, but sadly, this is a peaceful feeling, to finally put this 'life' of infertility behind us and move forward, just being us, just being our family.

***Update: I had my repeat beta this morning (7/26) and it was 246, so it is doubling just fine.  One more hurdle down and a million (it seems) to go.  Our u/s is scheduled for 8/12 and I am absolutely terrified!  I don't remember being this scared waiting for my son's u/s.  I think I was just blissful and going with the flow.  I was younger (meaning time to keep trying), had embryos in the freezer, and lots of courage for the journey ahead.  This time, its just still so stressful to think that this is it, this is the end.  I need lots of prayers to stay sane until 8/12.  After a good healthy heartbeat, I'll relax (at least a little).  But until then....

To my family and friends that follow me here on my blog, I'm too nervous to talk about or share the news just yet.  I'm excited, but as I stated before, apprehensive.  So, for now, I'm going to just hold tight until my u/s, then I'll be ready to celebrate.  Keep praying, please!