Note from God

We are trying to get our house de-cluttered/ de-bulked to put it for sale soon (relatively soon, we've been at this for a couple of months now!) and in doing so I had to filter through a drawer we've used for all of our Christmas cards and birth announcements for the past, probably, 8 years.  In going through them I wanted to make sure there wasn't anything we wanted to keep like pictures that also found there way into that drawer.  I certainly did not open every card, but occasionally I saw one that caught my eye and I would open it to read who it was from.  Well, one particular card definitely caught my eye, being a NICU nurse, because it had little premmie feet stamped in a circle to make a wreath.  I opened it to see who it was from and found that a friend of mine sent it Christmas of 2004 (yes, 6 years ago!), and she wrote a message about praying for us with our upcoming IVF (for my son in January 2005) and included a scripture, Romans 15:13.  The scripture read: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit".  Could this have been more timely in my desperate search to stay hopeful with this current IVF?!  As I've said before, I do not think there are coincidences in life and I'm going to consider this a note straight from the Big Man himself :)! 

I started growing my half of our babies today with my triple med cocktail.  The shot was nothing, just a little pinch, but I got a whopping headache this afternoon.  I suppose it could have been from the heat (moving furniture in 100+ degree heat index), but hormone shifts notoriously give me horrible headaches.  Hopefully they won't happen often or get any worse.  Luckily, I'm going to bed now to sleep it off (I hope!).

Need to Know

I had my baseline u/s done on Monday and everything checked out fine.  I took my last BCP last night and I start Lupron injections tomorrow with stims to follow on Saturday.  So I officially start growing my half of the babies this Saturday.  I am getting excited.  I feel empowered and hopeful.  My work schedule is set to work out well (only coincidentally - or maybe by some higher force) with this cycle because I start a 2 week vacation the week of retrieval and so that will also mean I'm off for the transfer.  It puts a kink in the vacation plans, but we are taking a low key trip to the lake, with no big plans, so we can drive the hour back to have all of this done and just drive back where I can rest.

The other night my DH and I were taking advantage of a night at home to build a fire in our pit in the back yard and sit around and just talk after our DS was asleep.  Amidst the varying conversation topics was, of course, this IVF cycle.  My DH enlightened me for the first time about all of this, which hadn't really ever crossed my mind.  He explained that his hesitation with trying again or continuing to hold on to "what if" is that we've been trying to get pregnant for 7 years (with 1-2 years in there where I was, in fact, pregnant or had a newborn).  He said he's just ready to stop living for trying, and not so much the physical trying (he is a man after all), but more the emotional weight it bares on us individually, us as a couple, and us as a family.  Not that he doesn't want more children or that if fertility weren't an issue we would already have more, but he's just tired of living the life of infertility.  He also said he's ready to know for sure (well as sure as you can be with infertility) that our son is or is not going to be the only one.  I asked how that knowledge would make a difference, and he said humorously that he would start spoiling the hell out of him if he was all we were getting (as if he's not already totally spoiled :) ).  So that makes total sense to me.  I can wholeheartedly respect that and I'm so glad I have this knowledge.  I, on the other hand, will probably never be "tired" of holding out hope, but I know there does come a time when the ref has to call it, or it could just go on forever.  I'm hopeful and I think our journey will end with a successful cycle, so we both can be satisfied.  And if it doesn't, I now have my DH's perspective that I have to respect and honor because it just makes sense (and sensible rarely describes an infertile woman).

Baby in a Box

My medications arrived yesterday and I chuckled as I opened this massive box of hormones and such!  There were tons of syringes, tons of vials of meds, tons of oral medications, and all kinds of other gadgets to accompany the meds.  All of this just to make a baby!  I chuckle because for most, all it took was a little wine and nice dinner out (for some, not even that much!), but for me, it takes ALL THIS!  I've labeled it my "baby in a box".  I remember getting my meds for the first IVF cycle and it was like opening a fun new toy to play with.  I took out all of the little this and thats to "play" with them in anticipation of the cycle.  This time, I'm a little less excited.  I'm scarred by my failures, so its a little less 'fun' and a little more 'real'.  It seems like much more medicine than before, but it was 5 years ago and my memory is a little vague on those details.  So here we go.  I just have to wait for my baseline u/s next Monday and assuming that comes out clear, I'll be starting my shots next week.

The crib

What I thought was a non-issue, turned out to be just that.  About 18 mos to 2 years ago I got a notice that the crib we used for my son had been recalled.  He was out of it and it was tucked securely in the attic.  We, of course, began trying to conceive around that time and so I continued to put off submitting the paperwork until I had a reason to need a crib.  After our first failed FET last fall, I just knew that it had to happen with the second FET so I turned it all into the company.  They sent a voucher for a free crib, but the catch is that it expired within 6 months.  Again, I was optimistic, that's six whole months to get pregnant and surely I wasn't going to have to wait THAT long again.  Well, those 6 months have passed (quickly!).  The voucher expired this weekend.  A couple of weeks ago I thought about this voucher, posted clearly on my fridge, and decided I had no need for a crib right now and I would just buy another one if I became lucky enough to need one.  I selfishly offered it to a dear friend of mine that is pregnant so she could get a newer crib (her's is 7 years old and who doesn't want to upgrade styles).  This friend has also done remarkable things for my family and it felt like a little pay back.  She accepted, but did not have a store in her area, so I agreed to purchase it for her and bring it to her.  Phew, the whole crib nonsense was no longer looming over me.  Well, she called the other day to then decline the offer and encouraged me to be optimistic and get one for myself.  This was a difficult task.  I cried a little thinking about all the "what ifs" of this cycle.  Could I bare to look at an unopened crib box if all of this doesn't work?  Letting go of a used crib that my dear baby boy used is less difficult because he did use it and brought good memories.  An unopened box may just remind me of my dream that didn't come to fruition.  I truly dreaded the task, but being as frugal as I am, I couldn't let it go to waste.  Luckily, not by coincidence, my sister called as I was driving to the baby store.  She came along and distracted me from my pathetic self-pity.  I actually purchased a convertible crib and decided to just use it as a full bed for our son, until we need it for other reasons.  So all ended well.. for now.

I AM hopeful about this cycle.  I guess I look at the scoreboard and I've failed more than I've succeeded with embryo transfers and I get discouraged.  God has carried me this far without complete psychological ruin, so I trust that He will continue to carry me along to the end of this ever shortening journey.

On the Road Again

Figuratively and literally, we are on the road again.  I finally got my period and have started this journey of our fresh IVF.  I'm on the BCP's and I'm scheduled for stims in 2 weeks.  Its odd that I feel the natural progression of this process going, but suddenly I have these moments when I realize the 'finite-ness' of it all, and it makes me nervous.  I guess 'talking' about it is just talking, there's not embryo numbers to count or day 3 results or a pregnancy test to face, its just talking.  Talking still leaves room for hope.  So much is riding on this cycle that its almost too much to comprehend what will happen if it doesn't work.  This is the end of the ART road for us.  We will either add another passenger and change direction, or have to seek some alternate path.  I keep getting asked if I'm excited that things are rolling, and I can't say that I am.  I'm just scared.  This is where I have to put to rest my nerves and rely on my faith.

On an unrelated note we are heading out on a 10 hr drive to visit friends this weekend.  I'm welcoming the distraction and time with my family.  Its nice to not have idle time to think too much about all of this.