The crib

What I thought was a non-issue, turned out to be just that.  About 18 mos to 2 years ago I got a notice that the crib we used for my son had been recalled.  He was out of it and it was tucked securely in the attic.  We, of course, began trying to conceive around that time and so I continued to put off submitting the paperwork until I had a reason to need a crib.  After our first failed FET last fall, I just knew that it had to happen with the second FET so I turned it all into the company.  They sent a voucher for a free crib, but the catch is that it expired within 6 months.  Again, I was optimistic, that's six whole months to get pregnant and surely I wasn't going to have to wait THAT long again.  Well, those 6 months have passed (quickly!).  The voucher expired this weekend.  A couple of weeks ago I thought about this voucher, posted clearly on my fridge, and decided I had no need for a crib right now and I would just buy another one if I became lucky enough to need one.  I selfishly offered it to a dear friend of mine that is pregnant so she could get a newer crib (her's is 7 years old and who doesn't want to upgrade styles).  This friend has also done remarkable things for my family and it felt like a little pay back.  She accepted, but did not have a store in her area, so I agreed to purchase it for her and bring it to her.  Phew, the whole crib nonsense was no longer looming over me.  Well, she called the other day to then decline the offer and encouraged me to be optimistic and get one for myself.  This was a difficult task.  I cried a little thinking about all the "what ifs" of this cycle.  Could I bare to look at an unopened crib box if all of this doesn't work?  Letting go of a used crib that my dear baby boy used is less difficult because he did use it and brought good memories.  An unopened box may just remind me of my dream that didn't come to fruition.  I truly dreaded the task, but being as frugal as I am, I couldn't let it go to waste.  Luckily, not by coincidence, my sister called as I was driving to the baby store.  She came along and distracted me from my pathetic self-pity.  I actually purchased a convertible crib and decided to just use it as a full bed for our son, until we need it for other reasons.  So all ended well.. for now.

I AM hopeful about this cycle.  I guess I look at the scoreboard and I've failed more than I've succeeded with embryo transfers and I get discouraged.  God has carried me this far without complete psychological ruin, so I trust that He will continue to carry me along to the end of this ever shortening journey.