No more baby

This week has been particularly "emotional". Not even so much about the infertility (although I have shed plenty of tears over that too), but everything seems to be getting me down. I did my third Lupron shot a few days ago and maybe that has something to do with things. I have been feeling relatively okay on Lupron. I have frequent hot flashes some days, but they typically only last 1-2 minutes and they pass. I do seem to have a least one each night, which I end up waking up to rip covers off or sometimes clothes, only to be freezing 30 minutes later. I've had a couple of headaches, but nothing OTC meds didn't take care of. I didn't even get a hint of my period this month, so that's a plus!

So, "no more baby" refers to the fact that my "baby" boy turns 4 years old tomorrow. He's definitely not a baby any longer. He decided to give up his pacifier the other night. I am very grateful (he was too old to have it, even if it was just at night), but that just closes that sweet little baby chapter of his life. I have sung "Baby Mine" to him religiously before he goes to bed every night for 4 years now and since giving up the paci, he has specifically requested another quirky song to substitute. I think its because it reminds him too much of his pacifier. In past attempts to give it up he has buckled when I start to sing to him. This just saddens me so much to lose that little baby time with him. I'm just reminded so much more how much I want a baby in my life. I have been frantically trying to hold on to as much of my son's baby-ness once we were faced with the reality that we could possibly continue to be infertile. I've also been trying to consciously try to avoid ruining him by babying him too much though, so I battle with this emotionally all the time.

If I could only freeze time to make my beautiful boy stay as small and sweet as he is right now, but I can't. Bottom line is that he's getting big, growing up, and there simply is no more baby.

Babies abound

I work in a Neonatal Intensive Care Nursery as a nurse. I should clarify that I have just started as a nurse. I had a different career and decided at the age of 32 to fulfill a long dream of mine to work with neonates. The hitch: this dream of mine formed long ago, in my naive years, when I never would have imagined I would be infertile. Of course the thought has recently crossed my mind in my quest to become a NICU nurse that working with babies every day may be hard, but it never conjured up any empty, "I can't handle this" feelings. In my last few weeks, the 12 hours shift of holding babies and helping parents of new little (sick) babies didn't pull at me. But, alas, today it hit.

I had a training on breastfeeding premies. I thought back to breastfeeding my son and what a wonderful experience it was. Then naturally, I thought of the things I will do differently with the next one..... dundundun.... wait, there might not be a next one. That's when the empty feeling emerged. What if I don't get to breastfeed a little baby ever again? What if this longing to have another baby just continues to grow from here? Growing out of control to the point that I am stuck in a hell every day working with these babies that I will never get to experience on my own again. I have to believe that this is not it for me and that God has more babies in my future - hopefully those babies are mine. Its overwhelming to think of not having another child in our family.

On another note, I did my 2nd Lupron shot 2 nights ago. I actually convinced myself that I may be pregnant, and of course as a precaution *wink* I took a HPT. Well, of course nothing. I have to report that the first month was not bad at all, in fact, it was great. I didn't have any spotting and felt fine. I did have a couple of headaches, but no hot flashes or anything else. I started spotting 4 days ago and thought it was the Lupron wearing off and would stop by today, but it hasn't. I had a dreaded thought that I may just spot for the next 3 months and how horrible that would be (I was a chronic spotter, usually 3 wks/mth). I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I guess no menstrual cycle is worth having a little spotting, as long as it stops!

Some days are better than others

Today is one of those days that is not as good as others. I had a long distance friend email me and subtly ask if there was any "exciting baby news" going on my way. She knows we did IVF for my son and knows we were wanting to try for #2 last year, so she knows the potential for that being a loaded question. I didn't mind sharing my journey so far, I know she genuinely cares. I realized that whenever I share the failed FET story with someone, I usually throw in a comment about my son being an only child and how blessed we are to have a wonderful kid like him. That's when the water works start (like now!). I am so sad to think about only having one child to love in this world. This is not at all how I envisioned my life. If you asked me when I was 20 years old, I would have told you I wanted 10 children. It slimmed down over the years proportionate to age, finances, and energy. But getting married and settling into life together, my DH and I knew we would have children, more than one, possibly four. I am happy with my son, he's perfect in every way, and honestly, I'm not sure how any other child could come close to comparing, but yet, I'm still sad. I realize that there may come a point (soon) that I'm faced with difficult decisions: gamble money on another IVF, pour money into an adoption, or live with my one perfect son. I just find it hard to see the justice in those decisions. So today is just one of those days.

Looking ahead, feeling far behind.

Well, its been a while since I've blogged. Not sure why I didn't document the tortuous journey I've been on. So, an update, we had a few road blocks since last winter and ended up doing our FET in August. I was very relaxed about the process and feeling uncomfortably confident. The uncomfortable part was the little voice way back in my head telling me to be cautious, this could actually fail. And the little voice was right. I was sad that it did not work, but not completely sad that we did not get pregnant. It was really bad timing for a pregnancy, but great timing to work in a FET. Not to say that I wouldn't have just let the world fall apart around me if I needed to for another baby, but looking forward, there is better timing ahead. I was mostly sad that we thawed out 4 of our little embryos, holding them on a pedestal, with so much potential, and they are all gone now. Just like that. I've had 4 years to think about those "babies-to-be", knowing I'd "see" them again and wondering which ones I would get to hold in my arms. And now, they just aren't there anymore. We do have 4 left to try one more FET, but we are stuck with what to do after that. Our lives do not lend itself to a rigorous IVF schedule, nor does our wallet!

I got a second opinion about our plans for the next FET and got a lot of helpful information. I'm not very trusting of our IVF clinic. They have an excellent success rate, but lack in many other ways. I would switch, but our second opinion discouraged us from transporting our last embryos because of the risk of something happening to them in transit. He also said the success has more to do with freezing than with the actual transfer, so there was not much to be gained by switching (except better service!).

I look ahead encouraged that maybe our last FET will be successful. I look back, though, and think about this time last year, I was feeling hopeful that I would conceive naturally, and even more hopeful that, at the very least, FET would work. I never imagined that it would take over a year (at least) to get pregnant again since we paid the waiting dues the first round. I admit that life has been complicated and there have been a lot of obstacles slowing us down, but the wait is just killing me.

So for now I am on monthly Lupron injections until we get some things in order. We plan another FET some time early next year. So again.... we wait.