Looking ahead, feeling far behind.

Well, its been a while since I've blogged. Not sure why I didn't document the tortuous journey I've been on. So, an update, we had a few road blocks since last winter and ended up doing our FET in August. I was very relaxed about the process and feeling uncomfortably confident. The uncomfortable part was the little voice way back in my head telling me to be cautious, this could actually fail. And the little voice was right. I was sad that it did not work, but not completely sad that we did not get pregnant. It was really bad timing for a pregnancy, but great timing to work in a FET. Not to say that I wouldn't have just let the world fall apart around me if I needed to for another baby, but looking forward, there is better timing ahead. I was mostly sad that we thawed out 4 of our little embryos, holding them on a pedestal, with so much potential, and they are all gone now. Just like that. I've had 4 years to think about those "babies-to-be", knowing I'd "see" them again and wondering which ones I would get to hold in my arms. And now, they just aren't there anymore. We do have 4 left to try one more FET, but we are stuck with what to do after that. Our lives do not lend itself to a rigorous IVF schedule, nor does our wallet!

I got a second opinion about our plans for the next FET and got a lot of helpful information. I'm not very trusting of our IVF clinic. They have an excellent success rate, but lack in many other ways. I would switch, but our second opinion discouraged us from transporting our last embryos because of the risk of something happening to them in transit. He also said the success has more to do with freezing than with the actual transfer, so there was not much to be gained by switching (except better service!).

I look ahead encouraged that maybe our last FET will be successful. I look back, though, and think about this time last year, I was feeling hopeful that I would conceive naturally, and even more hopeful that, at the very least, FET would work. I never imagined that it would take over a year (at least) to get pregnant again since we paid the waiting dues the first round. I admit that life has been complicated and there have been a lot of obstacles slowing us down, but the wait is just killing me.

So for now I am on monthly Lupron injections until we get some things in order. We plan another FET some time early next year. So again.... we wait.