Babies abound

I work in a Neonatal Intensive Care Nursery as a nurse. I should clarify that I have just started as a nurse. I had a different career and decided at the age of 32 to fulfill a long dream of mine to work with neonates. The hitch: this dream of mine formed long ago, in my naive years, when I never would have imagined I would be infertile. Of course the thought has recently crossed my mind in my quest to become a NICU nurse that working with babies every day may be hard, but it never conjured up any empty, "I can't handle this" feelings. In my last few weeks, the 12 hours shift of holding babies and helping parents of new little (sick) babies didn't pull at me. But, alas, today it hit.

I had a training on breastfeeding premies. I thought back to breastfeeding my son and what a wonderful experience it was. Then naturally, I thought of the things I will do differently with the next one..... dundundun.... wait, there might not be a next one. That's when the empty feeling emerged. What if I don't get to breastfeed a little baby ever again? What if this longing to have another baby just continues to grow from here? Growing out of control to the point that I am stuck in a hell every day working with these babies that I will never get to experience on my own again. I have to believe that this is not it for me and that God has more babies in my future - hopefully those babies are mine. Its overwhelming to think of not having another child in our family.

On another note, I did my 2nd Lupron shot 2 nights ago. I actually convinced myself that I may be pregnant, and of course as a precaution *wink* I took a HPT. Well, of course nothing. I have to report that the first month was not bad at all, in fact, it was great. I didn't have any spotting and felt fine. I did have a couple of headaches, but no hot flashes or anything else. I started spotting 4 days ago and thought it was the Lupron wearing off and would stop by today, but it hasn't. I had a dreaded thought that I may just spot for the next 3 months and how horrible that would be (I was a chronic spotter, usually 3 wks/mth). I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I guess no menstrual cycle is worth having a little spotting, as long as it stops!