Okay, I've never blogged before, but today I'm feeling that I need to do something therapeutic with all these emotions and since I don't have access to a therapist, I've decided to blog. Today I got my first BFN and a heavy, unwanted AF. I'm completely in tears and desperately calling my DH about how my clock is ticking away and how quickly we need to move onto to more aggressive measures.
A little history.... my husband and I have a beautiful and delightful little 3 year old son. He is truly our answered prayers because we worked for 2 years to conceive him. We tried all sorts of ART and found our pot of gold with IVF. I have stage III endometriosis, which is the suspected reason for our infertility. I have been on BCP's since I had him in hopes of reducing my endo. and "preserving" some fertility. We put off trying for our #2 b/c God has called to me to change careers and return to school. This is fine, I'm going along with this plan, but now that I am finally in a position to have #2, I don't want to wait!
I went to my OB/GYN to have a pre-conception consultation and annual exam. She informs me that the "spot" that was "not really a fibroid" last year needed to be looked at b/c it is, in fact (according to her notations), a fibroid and could impact my fertility.... if I were fertile (which I'm probably not). I'm upset that I now have another barrier to this whole process. I thought I would "show" her and get pregnant on my own this month, but as my title describes.... no luck! Hence, the desperation. What if she's right and I now have a dysfunctional uterus to compliment my dysfunctional "other stuff".
Yes, it seems excessive to jump the gun at 1 BFN, but I am faced with the reality that fertility is not going to come easy for me, if at all, and I'm terrified of this journey I know all too much about.
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