Revelation

It's hard to believe its been a year since I posted here.  It just doesn't seem possible that 12 whole months have past, yet many changes have happened in these 12 months.

First, to finish the previous post, which I was too depressed to explore any further, I did have a miscarriage in early September as expected.  The miscarriage itself was not sad or somber, as one would expect.  I know this is all due to the long mourning that had taken place for the weeks leading up to it.  I opted out of a D & C or other medications to "bring on" the miscarriage and decided to let things happen in due time.  It only took about 2 weeks after our final u/s, which we were told to expect.   It actually was more of a relief for this sad roller coaster to come to its resting place in my head and body.

I managed to muster up the courage to visit my primary RE in November to get a recap of what "went wrong" and what our fertility future held.  My DH had a last minute conflict with his schedule and could not join me, which I actually found more helpful, especially when I didn't have to look over at him for his reaction to my "what if we tried this..." questions, that were very much hypothetical, but I needed to have answered to go forward "informed".  My RE all but begged me to do IVF again stating it was bad luck with the miscarriage (meaning it had nothing to do with any we/ he did, just statistically unfortunate to be one to miscarry).  He could not, at least to my comfort, explain why we had no embryos to freeze.  He insisted that he would give us just as much of a chance with another IVF as he did the first time, which he reiterated was a good chance of becoming pregnant.  Money came up far from subtly, by me, with this conversation and he acknowledged that decision and encouraged us to apply for a local scholarship that funds a few couples for ART, mostly IVF each year.  This scholarship requires a RE referral letter, which he stated he would highly recommend us as good pregnancy candidates if we choose to apply.  I tell you this because I don't want to give the impression he was only after another $15k, I did feel that he felt confident in our success with IVF.  Nevertheless, another IVF was never up for negotiation with DH and I for so many reasons, despite my RE's  confidence.  I frankly asked him what our chances would be to conceive naturally from this point on.  He brought up all the factors he considered and determined that if we had perfectly timed intercourse for 1 year, he would only give us a 1% chance of being pregnant at the end of that year.  Ugh.  So, I left the consultation with the thought that we could try some other "less expensive" ART (injectables or frozen embryo adoption) or resolve to put this to rest.  I needed a revelation.

One of my favorite bands these days is Third Day.  Their title track Revelation has always spoken to me about this infertility journey.  Here are some of the words to help explain:

"My life, has led me down the road that's so uncertain.
And now I am left alone and I am broken.
Trying to find my way,
trying to find the faith that's gone.
This time, I know that You are holding all the answers.
I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem, to be the ones that bring me home.

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way,
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You

My life, has led me down this path that's ever winding.
Through every twist and turn I'm always finding,
That I am lost again (I am lost again)
Tell me when this road will ever end..."


I spent a lot of time praying for peace in this journey, now more of a past tense event, and wondering where to go from here.  I've prayed to God to "tell me should I stay here, or do I need to move"; do I continue to pursue another child, or move in another direction.  If you had asked me 8 years ago if I would ever feel this way, I would have bet my life that it wasn't possible, but somehow, God answered that prayer and gave me a peace that led me to "move".  I began thinking about our family as the three of us and the mourning for another child faded.  That is not so say that others' pregnancy news didn't still sting, buying a house without "room to expand" didn't make me sad, or selling my baby things at a yard sale make me ache for an excuse to keep them, but these were fleeting emotions that didn't settle in and bring up more mourning.


I was given my revelation.  To have the faith that I am exactly where God wants me to be and that His plan is perfect.  My peace was realizing that this meant abandoning my intense search and relishing in the blessing of my son.  This was a good feeling.  This was a good place to be. 


The story, to be continued...