The Elephant

I haven't quite figured out why I think this, but I do.  I assume that people who know about this infertility journey are always "reading" me for information about the infertility.  Yes, its conspiracy theory at its best and I acknowledge how ridiculous it seems and sounds, but nevertheless I still feel it.  I feel like I have somehow "become" my infertility, but no one wants to directly talk about it.  So now that we have our second FET failure and I opened up to friends and family about our last try, I feel like everyone is curious about our next step, which is fine, but no one wants to be the one to ask.  I can't tell if its more difficult to have someone close just not talk about it at all or to have the vague questions that I'm stuck in limbo about answering.  For example, I have 2 sisters that I am incredibly close to.  I spend more time face-to-face with one and more time chatting on the phone with the other.  The one I see more never brings up the subject.  She never asks "whats new" with the fertility plan, never asks how I'm feeling about it or anything.  I definitely don't think its because she doesn't care, I assume she worries that I don't want to talk about it or that its inappropriate to ask.  So sometimes when we're together I hope that the topic works its way into the conversation so that we can talk about it, but that makes for a slight awkwardness on my part, and to be quite honest, all this fertility stuff probably doesn't even cross her mind!  While I don't want to have a conversation about it to just anyone, I still deal with this EVERYDAY and would still like to acknowledge it, but feel selfish or awkward if I bring it up.  The other sister did the "so how are things going?" question the other day.  My mind always races when people who know our history ask me that.  Are they just making small talk or are they asking about my infertility and just don't want to come out and say that?  Ugh. I felt safe enough with her to just come right out and tell her what was going on with the fertility, I needed that to be what she was asking.  When its someone not as close, its not that easy to decide.  This is one reason I chose to keep this topic so intimate before.  I don't mind if people know, I just hate the constant assumption that people want to know, but are just not comfortable asking, so they ask a general question to leave the door open, but...wait.... maybe they aren't asking and I'd be making a fool of myself to bring it up.  I get that people don't want to just come right out and ask about our infertility, but I just hate wondering if they are wondering, but not wanting to assume.  So the elephant no one mentions is back to following me around again, invading my space when talking to other people.  I can fondly look back at the couple of years after having my son when the question of "how are things going" was just a question, not this awkward moment of assumptions.  I know it sounds like a conspiracy because chances are it doesn't even cross people's minds, but, unfortunately, it crosses my constantly.