#39922

I had the most pathetic and stupid moment yesterday.  My DH and I went to a new fertility clinic in town to meet and greet with another RE.  I requested a copy of my record from my old clinic to transfer, but (as usual with this unorganized clinic) they didn't respond to my phone call in time to have it done through their outsourced service, so they had to make a copy by hand and I had to pick it up.  I actually was a little glad to have the opportunity to hold it in my hand and look it over.  So, as we met with the new RE I handed over the large packet of medical records.  Aside from my stupid moment, handing this over was like handing over a mountain of emotional trials, all wrapped up in a manila envelope.  So here comes the stupid part, at the end of our meeting he handed me a piece of paper with some labs he wanted to order.  On the top of this paper was my new medical record number for this new clinic.  And there it was, for the first time in over 6 years was not #39922, my old MR # at the old clinic, and I started to cry (I cry now thinking about it).  So bare with my insanity for a minute here, this number has meant so much to me.  It was the number I carried through all of my cycles of ART at this clinic.  I had to use this number to enter in when I called the voice mail system about lab results and to get medication orders for the next day during all of my IUI, IVF, FET cycles.  So while most people never know their MR numbers, I got to know this particular one by heart through all these cycles.  I know, it just sounds stupid.  I guess what I realized as well was that, while I am glad to be starting fresh somewhere else and I had a really negative experience at my other clinic, I really do feel like I'm at square one, like 6 years ago when I started at the other clinic.  Regardless of the clinic itself, I had nevertheless invested 6 years of strong emotions into that clinic and now that door is closed, and I'm starting new again.  Its overwhelming.

With regards to starting new, I'm not really sure what that means for us right now.  My DH and I thought we would suck it up (financially) and do another fresh cycle, but after meeting with the financial person at the clinic, and being told that it would be at least $15-16K, we aren't sure.  While we knew this before hand, somehow hearing them sort it all out made it seem real.  That's hard to swallow.  Its even harder to swallow knowing we have been so blessed with our son.  It just doesn't seem fair to again have to choose b/w debt or a child.  It is truly a numbing feeling.

So while I thought our next step was a fresh IVF, I honestly don't know.  For the first time, in my life, I am debating on letting something I want so badly just go.  I'm the type of person that fights for what I want, "no matter what", "at all cost", I always look for a way to make it happen, but I'm just not so sure about this time.  And I know there is no price tag on a baby, but putting our family in debt just doesn't feel right either.  I can only describe my thoughts as numb.  Unfortunately, my DH is not helpful.  He would like another child but adamantly does not want more debt.  So he is supportive of whatever I decide.  I know I will not ever let the dream go and I know that it will haunt me, but I also know that these are the cards we've been dealt and maybe its time to succumb to that reality.  I met a friend today for a play date and she asked when we left what she could pray for me, and I thought for a second and decided that resolution was what I needed.  Resolution to go forward without regrets with a fresh cycle or resolution to be satisfied with our blessing we've been given and move on with life.