She's here! She's acutally 7 months old now (wow, how times truly flies!!). She was born in January, arriving 3 weeks early. She is beautiful, sweet, amazing, and oh, so.... perfect!! My pregnancy went so fast. By the time I came to terms with the fact that God was actually going to bless us with a baby, it seems like it was over. I actually cried when I realized I was really in labor and our baby would soon be here. I cried some from pain, some from being caught off guard (did I mention she was 3 weeks early), but mostly because I knew that I would never again feel that wonderful life inside of my body again. Not that I wasn't terribly excited to meet our child (and we did not find out the gender) because I knew it was the beginning of a life I had longed for, dreamed of, and prayed very hard for. But the pregnancy was a bonus and I never took a moment for granted. I knew very soon I would no longer be pregnant and fertility would be a thing of the past.
My delivery was amazing! I really hoped for an epidural-free delivery and I got my wish. My two sisters, and of course my DH, were there to help me through my short labor. My DH and I were actually a bit surprised that she was a girl; we both somehow "knew" it was a boy. My DS was over-the-moon with his new little sister. She entered the world so loved and wanted, its hard to even put it into words.
My sweet DD did give us a run for our money with colic and a dairy/soy protein intolerance - which meant no dairy or soy for me because I am breastfeeding. How I miss milk and all the yummy things that have milk in them, but breastfeeding has been such reminder of how much I am blessed to have another little baby.
Every moment it seems that passes by I feel like I rejoice in the new milestones and "growing", and then find myself a little sad that this is our last experience with that. I'm sure many will argue that once they had their "last" child they felt the same, but not wanting more and not being able to choose that seems slightly different. I think my DH and I would have more if we knew we could. I know, I know, who says it can't happen. We certainly are open for fate and God's plan, but we realistically live in the thought that our family if finally complete.
She's here, our good and perfect gift and we know she came directly from above! I am in awe of being blessed with my 2 sweet babies.
"Every good and perfect gift is from above" James 1:17
Friday, August 17, 2012
Friday, September 9, 2011
In God's Time
Here is the conclusion to the previous post. I can't explain why it has taken me so long to post this, except for the usual excuses of not having enough time, but there is something deeper that has kept me away and I cannot put my finger on it.
I have never thought of myself as "lucky" (not sure if there are people who do, but I certainly look at others and wish I had their "luck"). I do consider myself blessed and try very hard to never, never take for granted all that I have been given (good and bad); the opportunity in challenges and the glory in the good times. I once thought of my struggle to conceive my son as a challenging burden to bear, a badge of honor that I had overcome this diversity, but have come to realize in my recent journey how blessed and maybe "lucky" I really was to get him so seemingly easy with IVF. So the rest of this story seems a paradox to all that I have felt through this journey and maybe that is my hesitation in embracing, and blogging, it.
As an "infertile" woman, at any stage in their journey, I have to imagine that all have fantasized about being "surprised" by a random, unexpected positive HPT. Its like the brief "what would I do if I won the lottery" scenario that floats through your head every once in while. Very unlikely, but fun to think about and wish you had that kind of "luck". You hear of people that struggle and then end up pregnant all on their own. I know a few of these people and while I love their stories and are truly thankful for God's blessings on them, there is always that tiny bit of "why can't that just happen to me" that occurs.
So here it is. As I previously posted, I prayed for peace to not be in a desperate place of wanting to get pregnant or wanting to have another child. God granted me this peace and I was so grateful. My DH and I poured ourselves and our love into our one glorious blessing of our son and that filled our hearts. We decided we needed to have a yard sale and going through our things, we found that most of the items that filled our attic and spare spaces was unused baby gear and clothes. My DH, being so very understanding and patient never pushed me to get rid of these things, but it was obvious to me that there was no point in holding on to them. So after as much procrastination as I could bargain, we had the sale. There was an immense amount of anxiety that surrounded these things and found myself defensive when someone wanted to haggle for something that was so precious and, to me, priceless. Did they know how much joy that baby carrier brought me holding my son and the pain of knowing I couldn't have another baby to put in it? But at the end of it, I did feel a sense of relief and freedom and knew God would, as He has before, return me to peace.
Before the true peace came, a few days later we were preparing to go on a camping trip. And thinking about the timing of things I realized that my period was soon to come and I dreaded the thought of that combination. The night before our trip I was frustrated thinking that I would most definitely start my period on the trip, but looked to my calendar for hope that I was remembering my weeks wrong. To my surprise, I was remembering my weeks wrong, but in the other direction, I was days - almost a week late. While the thought of being pregnant did quickly run through my mind, I also knew it was not likely and this has happened before. I was more frustrated that my period was inevitably going to start while we were camping (this was not going to be a fun trip). I mentioned it to my DH and told him I would humor the fertility gods and mother nature (that seem to think this kind of thing is funny) and buy a $1 HPT. Well, are you figuring out the rest of the story yet... it was positive. Of course I knew that I wasn't actually pregnant, I mean, this sort of "luck" doesn't happen to me. We went camping, me waiting for my period that whole time, and after nothing, took another test days later. That one was again positive.
A flood of anxiety hit. The moment every infertile woman dreams of had come, but with it came so much anticipation and potential that I almost couldn't handle it. I'd had a positive test before, one that gave us our son, but the other that had very recently challenged almost all of my faith and sucked so much joy from me, it was almost hard to breathe. I called my OB and made an appointment. They would see me in a month... a month! That's how long I had to wait with this anxiety to find out what would be the fate of this fortune. My DH and I almost didn't talk about it for that entire month. We told no one, especially our son, and while there was hope, there was more guarded anxiety for what might be. We went to the first OB appointment and the tension among my DH and I was thick. My midwife perform a quick u/s, printed us a picture, checked the size with dates and asked if we had any questions. My question, through budding tears, "Is everything okay, is there a heartbeat?". She acted a little surprised and in a matter-of-fact way said everything was great. I explained that our last u/s experience was not a happy one and then she "got it" and sympathetically restated that everything looked great. I, of course, was in full blown tears at this point, with my DH not far behind. We were going to have a baby.
So with that news, we told our son soon after the appointment. He truly acted as if he had received the best, most awesome gift ever and has not stopped being excited. My DH and I still fought our apprehension and have not until recently embraced this wonderful, God sent blessing. We waited to tell people for a long time (well after the end of my first trimester), I guess waiting for the end of the "If its too good to be true..." statement to kick in, but it hasn't. I am 20 weeks today and feeling great. We had our level 2 u/s last week and still everything appears great. We chose not to find out what we are having, and the excitement along with the overwhelming, "we have to start all over again with parenting" thoughts have taken over.
I know God chose this blessing to come to us in this way, at this time in our lives for such a specific reason and that kind of peace is so reassuring. I, more than ever before, feel out of control and that God is in control and that is a peaceful and wonderful and reassuring place.
I have never thought of myself as "lucky" (not sure if there are people who do, but I certainly look at others and wish I had their "luck"). I do consider myself blessed and try very hard to never, never take for granted all that I have been given (good and bad); the opportunity in challenges and the glory in the good times. I once thought of my struggle to conceive my son as a challenging burden to bear, a badge of honor that I had overcome this diversity, but have come to realize in my recent journey how blessed and maybe "lucky" I really was to get him so seemingly easy with IVF. So the rest of this story seems a paradox to all that I have felt through this journey and maybe that is my hesitation in embracing, and blogging, it.
As an "infertile" woman, at any stage in their journey, I have to imagine that all have fantasized about being "surprised" by a random, unexpected positive HPT. Its like the brief "what would I do if I won the lottery" scenario that floats through your head every once in while. Very unlikely, but fun to think about and wish you had that kind of "luck". You hear of people that struggle and then end up pregnant all on their own. I know a few of these people and while I love their stories and are truly thankful for God's blessings on them, there is always that tiny bit of "why can't that just happen to me" that occurs.
So here it is. As I previously posted, I prayed for peace to not be in a desperate place of wanting to get pregnant or wanting to have another child. God granted me this peace and I was so grateful. My DH and I poured ourselves and our love into our one glorious blessing of our son and that filled our hearts. We decided we needed to have a yard sale and going through our things, we found that most of the items that filled our attic and spare spaces was unused baby gear and clothes. My DH, being so very understanding and patient never pushed me to get rid of these things, but it was obvious to me that there was no point in holding on to them. So after as much procrastination as I could bargain, we had the sale. There was an immense amount of anxiety that surrounded these things and found myself defensive when someone wanted to haggle for something that was so precious and, to me, priceless. Did they know how much joy that baby carrier brought me holding my son and the pain of knowing I couldn't have another baby to put in it? But at the end of it, I did feel a sense of relief and freedom and knew God would, as He has before, return me to peace.
Before the true peace came, a few days later we were preparing to go on a camping trip. And thinking about the timing of things I realized that my period was soon to come and I dreaded the thought of that combination. The night before our trip I was frustrated thinking that I would most definitely start my period on the trip, but looked to my calendar for hope that I was remembering my weeks wrong. To my surprise, I was remembering my weeks wrong, but in the other direction, I was days - almost a week late. While the thought of being pregnant did quickly run through my mind, I also knew it was not likely and this has happened before. I was more frustrated that my period was inevitably going to start while we were camping (this was not going to be a fun trip). I mentioned it to my DH and told him I would humor the fertility gods and mother nature (that seem to think this kind of thing is funny) and buy a $1 HPT. Well, are you figuring out the rest of the story yet... it was positive. Of course I knew that I wasn't actually pregnant, I mean, this sort of "luck" doesn't happen to me. We went camping, me waiting for my period that whole time, and after nothing, took another test days later. That one was again positive.
A flood of anxiety hit. The moment every infertile woman dreams of had come, but with it came so much anticipation and potential that I almost couldn't handle it. I'd had a positive test before, one that gave us our son, but the other that had very recently challenged almost all of my faith and sucked so much joy from me, it was almost hard to breathe. I called my OB and made an appointment. They would see me in a month... a month! That's how long I had to wait with this anxiety to find out what would be the fate of this fortune. My DH and I almost didn't talk about it for that entire month. We told no one, especially our son, and while there was hope, there was more guarded anxiety for what might be. We went to the first OB appointment and the tension among my DH and I was thick. My midwife perform a quick u/s, printed us a picture, checked the size with dates and asked if we had any questions. My question, through budding tears, "Is everything okay, is there a heartbeat?". She acted a little surprised and in a matter-of-fact way said everything was great. I explained that our last u/s experience was not a happy one and then she "got it" and sympathetically restated that everything looked great. I, of course, was in full blown tears at this point, with my DH not far behind. We were going to have a baby.
So with that news, we told our son soon after the appointment. He truly acted as if he had received the best, most awesome gift ever and has not stopped being excited. My DH and I still fought our apprehension and have not until recently embraced this wonderful, God sent blessing. We waited to tell people for a long time (well after the end of my first trimester), I guess waiting for the end of the "If its too good to be true..." statement to kick in, but it hasn't. I am 20 weeks today and feeling great. We had our level 2 u/s last week and still everything appears great. We chose not to find out what we are having, and the excitement along with the overwhelming, "we have to start all over again with parenting" thoughts have taken over.
I know God chose this blessing to come to us in this way, at this time in our lives for such a specific reason and that kind of peace is so reassuring. I, more than ever before, feel out of control and that God is in control and that is a peaceful and wonderful and reassuring place.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Revelation
It's hard to believe its been a year since I posted here. It just doesn't seem possible that 12 whole months have past, yet many changes have happened in these 12 months.
First, to finish the previous post, which I was too depressed to explore any further, I did have a miscarriage in early September as expected. The miscarriage itself was not sad or somber, as one would expect. I know this is all due to the long mourning that had taken place for the weeks leading up to it. I opted out of a D & C or other medications to "bring on" the miscarriage and decided to let things happen in due time. It only took about 2 weeks after our final u/s, which we were told to expect. It actually was more of a relief for this sad roller coaster to come to its resting place in my head and body.
I managed to muster up the courage to visit my primary RE in November to get a recap of what "went wrong" and what our fertility future held. My DH had a last minute conflict with his schedule and could not join me, which I actually found more helpful, especially when I didn't have to look over at him for his reaction to my "what if we tried this..." questions, that were very much hypothetical, but I needed to have answered to go forward "informed". My RE all but begged me to do IVF again stating it was bad luck with the miscarriage (meaning it had nothing to do with any we/ he did, just statistically unfortunate to be one to miscarry). He could not, at least to my comfort, explain why we had no embryos to freeze. He insisted that he would give us just as much of a chance with another IVF as he did the first time, which he reiterated was a good chance of becoming pregnant. Money came up far from subtly, by me, with this conversation and he acknowledged that decision and encouraged us to apply for a local scholarship that funds a few couples for ART, mostly IVF each year. This scholarship requires a RE referral letter, which he stated he would highly recommend us as good pregnancy candidates if we choose to apply. I tell you this because I don't want to give the impression he was only after another $15k, I did feel that he felt confident in our success with IVF. Nevertheless, another IVF was never up for negotiation with DH and I for so many reasons, despite my RE's confidence. I frankly asked him what our chances would be to conceive naturally from this point on. He brought up all the factors he considered and determined that if we had perfectly timed intercourse for 1 year, he would only give us a 1% chance of being pregnant at the end of that year. Ugh. So, I left the consultation with the thought that we could try some other "less expensive" ART (injectables or frozen embryo adoption) or resolve to put this to rest. I needed a revelation.
One of my favorite bands these days is Third Day. Their title track Revelation has always spoken to me about this infertility journey. Here are some of the words to help explain:
"My life, has led me down the road that's so uncertain.
And now I am left alone and I am broken.
Trying to find my way,
trying to find the faith that's gone.
This time, I know that You are holding all the answers.
I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem, to be the ones that bring me home.
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way,
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You
My life, has led me down this path that's ever winding.
Through every twist and turn I'm always finding,
That I am lost again (I am lost again)
Tell me when this road will ever end..."
I spent a lot of time praying for peace in this journey, now more of a past tense event, and wondering where to go from here. I've prayed to God to "tell me should I stay here, or do I need to move"; do I continue to pursue another child, or move in another direction. If you had asked me 8 years ago if I would ever feel this way, I would have bet my life that it wasn't possible, but somehow, God answered that prayer and gave me a peace that led me to "move". I began thinking about our family as the three of us and the mourning for another child faded. That is not so say that others' pregnancy news didn't still sting, buying a house without "room to expand" didn't make me sad, or selling my baby things at a yard sale make me ache for an excuse to keep them, but these were fleeting emotions that didn't settle in and bring up more mourning.
I was given my revelation. To have the faith that I am exactly where God wants me to be and that His plan is perfect. My peace was realizing that this meant abandoning my intense search and relishing in the blessing of my son. This was a good feeling. This was a good place to be.
The story, to be continued...
First, to finish the previous post, which I was too depressed to explore any further, I did have a miscarriage in early September as expected. The miscarriage itself was not sad or somber, as one would expect. I know this is all due to the long mourning that had taken place for the weeks leading up to it. I opted out of a D & C or other medications to "bring on" the miscarriage and decided to let things happen in due time. It only took about 2 weeks after our final u/s, which we were told to expect. It actually was more of a relief for this sad roller coaster to come to its resting place in my head and body.
I managed to muster up the courage to visit my primary RE in November to get a recap of what "went wrong" and what our fertility future held. My DH had a last minute conflict with his schedule and could not join me, which I actually found more helpful, especially when I didn't have to look over at him for his reaction to my "what if we tried this..." questions, that were very much hypothetical, but I needed to have answered to go forward "informed". My RE all but begged me to do IVF again stating it was bad luck with the miscarriage (meaning it had nothing to do with any we/ he did, just statistically unfortunate to be one to miscarry). He could not, at least to my comfort, explain why we had no embryos to freeze. He insisted that he would give us just as much of a chance with another IVF as he did the first time, which he reiterated was a good chance of becoming pregnant. Money came up far from subtly, by me, with this conversation and he acknowledged that decision and encouraged us to apply for a local scholarship that funds a few couples for ART, mostly IVF each year. This scholarship requires a RE referral letter, which he stated he would highly recommend us as good pregnancy candidates if we choose to apply. I tell you this because I don't want to give the impression he was only after another $15k, I did feel that he felt confident in our success with IVF. Nevertheless, another IVF was never up for negotiation with DH and I for so many reasons, despite my RE's confidence. I frankly asked him what our chances would be to conceive naturally from this point on. He brought up all the factors he considered and determined that if we had perfectly timed intercourse for 1 year, he would only give us a 1% chance of being pregnant at the end of that year. Ugh. So, I left the consultation with the thought that we could try some other "less expensive" ART (injectables or frozen embryo adoption) or resolve to put this to rest. I needed a revelation.
One of my favorite bands these days is Third Day. Their title track Revelation has always spoken to me about this infertility journey. Here are some of the words to help explain:
"My life, has led me down the road that's so uncertain.
And now I am left alone and I am broken.
Trying to find my way,
trying to find the faith that's gone.
This time, I know that You are holding all the answers.
I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem, to be the ones that bring me home.
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way,
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You
My life, has led me down this path that's ever winding.
Through every twist and turn I'm always finding,
That I am lost again (I am lost again)
Tell me when this road will ever end..."
I spent a lot of time praying for peace in this journey, now more of a past tense event, and wondering where to go from here. I've prayed to God to "tell me should I stay here, or do I need to move"; do I continue to pursue another child, or move in another direction. If you had asked me 8 years ago if I would ever feel this way, I would have bet my life that it wasn't possible, but somehow, God answered that prayer and gave me a peace that led me to "move". I began thinking about our family as the three of us and the mourning for another child faded. That is not so say that others' pregnancy news didn't still sting, buying a house without "room to expand" didn't make me sad, or selling my baby things at a yard sale make me ache for an excuse to keep them, but these were fleeting emotions that didn't settle in and bring up more mourning.
I was given my revelation. To have the faith that I am exactly where God wants me to be and that His plan is perfect. My peace was realizing that this meant abandoning my intense search and relishing in the blessing of my son. This was a good feeling. This was a good place to be.
The story, to be continued...
Friday, August 20, 2010
The End.
Starting this blog it seemed almost like an anonymous way to release my thoughts and feelings on this grueling journey with some hope that it may help some other infertile woman out there, as other blogs have helped me. If in no other way than to just see that other women are out there and they are just as anxious, just as desperate, and sometimes, just as sad and discouraged dealing with infertility. Along the way, though, this blog has become a calling card of sorts that I could hand out to people that wanted to know more about our journey, but didn't want to actually have to have conversations about it, which let me off the hook from having to deal with it outside of my laptop. There have been many times that this arrangement has saved my sanity, today is one of them. Ending this blog, I realize that it has captured some of my most truly, intimately emotional moments of my life. I don't regret putting them here, I just wonder if I'll have the courage to ever go back and relive these moments by reading this blog.
Now on the update. It turns out that the RE last week was not being quick and insensitive, but rather discrete in what he already saw as a "threatened miscarriage". Apparently, he could tell just by looking that things were "not right", but didn't want to let on. Today was a different RE, one I have seen the most through this process. She came into the room with a somber look and casually asked if I was feeling any sickness yet. I told her "no", which I have already processed in my head to not be a good sign long before this moment. She did the scan and explained that the fetus was just not as big as it should be at this stage. She further explained that of course women that walk in with just a LMP to go by, there's room for missed dates, but with IVF, you should measure exactly what you are. She measured the fetus and being 8 weeks today, I only measured 6w4d. There was obvious "cardiac activity", which she didn't discount, but again said she's sure this will not be viable. She said that normally she would discuss the option of a D & C, but since there was cardiac activity, she realized I probably wouldn't choose that option right now. She told me to come back next week, I sensed to eventually confirm that the HB has, in fact, stopped. She left and sympathetically said she wished she had better news.
After she left my DH and cried together. He said he was just so sad for me and for our DS who has been begging for a brother or sister lately (he even asked if he could have a twin, like his cousins - too cute!). I can tell my DH is upset, he's acting differently, so now I'm sad for him too.
I've spent most of the day trying to stay distracted. Any idle moments I start to cry. I think about how blessed and lucky we were to get my son, seemingly so easily, with IVF. I think about the past 4.5 years and begin to wonder if I've paid enough attention to the details of my DS that I'll never get to experience again. The milestones I couldn't wait for him to reach, not realizing I'll never have another baby, walker, toddler, potty trainer, big boy bedder, paci-giver-upper, ever again, and did I pay enough attention to those moments? Did I take enough pictures? Did I love him enough? Can I pour all of my love into him without creating an unbalanced, spoiled kid?
I've already been asked today if we are having another child. My DS's preschool teacher was throwing a "going off to big school" party today and asked if my DH and I would send the next child through this center. I told her there wasn't going to be a "next child" and she innocently replied that I had to have another one, you know try for a girl. I had perfected my response to the "are you having more kids" question which was "We'd like to, but we'll have to see what happens". Now I guess I'll have to come up with something simple enough to tell the truth without dumping any baggage.
So now I'm signing off of this blog. There's nothing left to share. We're done and our fertility journey is over. Also, it is just simply too painful to live here in this anymore. This is the end of this cycle, this is the end of this torturous journey, this is finally the end.
Now on the update. It turns out that the RE last week was not being quick and insensitive, but rather discrete in what he already saw as a "threatened miscarriage". Apparently, he could tell just by looking that things were "not right", but didn't want to let on. Today was a different RE, one I have seen the most through this process. She came into the room with a somber look and casually asked if I was feeling any sickness yet. I told her "no", which I have already processed in my head to not be a good sign long before this moment. She did the scan and explained that the fetus was just not as big as it should be at this stage. She further explained that of course women that walk in with just a LMP to go by, there's room for missed dates, but with IVF, you should measure exactly what you are. She measured the fetus and being 8 weeks today, I only measured 6w4d. There was obvious "cardiac activity", which she didn't discount, but again said she's sure this will not be viable. She said that normally she would discuss the option of a D & C, but since there was cardiac activity, she realized I probably wouldn't choose that option right now. She told me to come back next week, I sensed to eventually confirm that the HB has, in fact, stopped. She left and sympathetically said she wished she had better news.
After she left my DH and cried together. He said he was just so sad for me and for our DS who has been begging for a brother or sister lately (he even asked if he could have a twin, like his cousins - too cute!). I can tell my DH is upset, he's acting differently, so now I'm sad for him too.
I've spent most of the day trying to stay distracted. Any idle moments I start to cry. I think about how blessed and lucky we were to get my son, seemingly so easily, with IVF. I think about the past 4.5 years and begin to wonder if I've paid enough attention to the details of my DS that I'll never get to experience again. The milestones I couldn't wait for him to reach, not realizing I'll never have another baby, walker, toddler, potty trainer, big boy bedder, paci-giver-upper, ever again, and did I pay enough attention to those moments? Did I take enough pictures? Did I love him enough? Can I pour all of my love into him without creating an unbalanced, spoiled kid?
I've already been asked today if we are having another child. My DS's preschool teacher was throwing a "going off to big school" party today and asked if my DH and I would send the next child through this center. I told her there wasn't going to be a "next child" and she innocently replied that I had to have another one, you know try for a girl. I had perfected my response to the "are you having more kids" question which was "We'd like to, but we'll have to see what happens". Now I guess I'll have to come up with something simple enough to tell the truth without dumping any baggage.
So now I'm signing off of this blog. There's nothing left to share. We're done and our fertility journey is over. Also, it is just simply too painful to live here in this anymore. This is the end of this cycle, this is the end of this torturous journey, this is finally the end.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Tomorrow - more than a day away
I went to the RE's office last Thursday for the u/s. My DH came with me and we were taken back to the exam room right away. I've never had to wait at this clinic yet (stark contrast to the other clinic). Well, as luck would have it (which Thursday just turned out to be one of those crummy, unlucky days all around stretching far beyond this appointment), there was a misunderstanding on their part which left DH and I waiting (me half dressed on the table) for an HOUR! I sent my DH out to find out what was taking so long after about 45 min, but he only looked up and down the empty hallway, never going to the receptionist (which I told him to do). I, of course, only had a paper "sheet" around me and wasn't about to go hunting down a nurse or doctor. So eventually the RE came in. This is my first time meeting this particular RE (there are 3 in the practice and I've escaped meeting him until Thurs.). He apologized for the "misunderstanding" and went to doing the u/s. He quickly scanned and we all saw one sac/ fetus. He said he did not see a heartbeat. He asked if we had any frozen embryos - definitely NOT what you want to be asked at that moment. He tried to scan again and said he saw what looked like it may be a heartbeat, but it could also be me breathing/moving. He casually said that it could just be early, but come back in a week and we'll know for sure. He printed us a picture, smiled, and said see you next week.
So that was it. We left without a heartbeat and another week to wait. Utter devastation.
After much wallowing in pity and despair I began to google and also decided to compare my u/s from Thurs. to the one of my DS at 8 weeks. Interestingly, I found that the RE had not "zoomed in" (not sure what the term is) like it was on my DS's u/s (with measurements, etc) and like all the other pictures on the internet of 6-8 wk u/s's. So, I've rationalized that it would just be difficult to see a HB on such a tiny speck (which is what it was) and everything is still fair game. Having said that, I haven't lost hope, but I have lost the joy (what little has slipped in there) from this process so far. I could potentially be headed for the biggest let down, possibly of my life on Friday (our next u/s). This cycle has been absolutely grueling. From the decision to do it at all, to all the little road blocks, now to this. If I do have a viable pregnancy, will there ever be any joy in it, or will I always worry that despair is lurking around the corner? Its just unlike anything I could even begin to describe.
So again, we wait (hmmmm.... that sounds familiar).
So that was it. We left without a heartbeat and another week to wait. Utter devastation.
After much wallowing in pity and despair I began to google and also decided to compare my u/s from Thurs. to the one of my DS at 8 weeks. Interestingly, I found that the RE had not "zoomed in" (not sure what the term is) like it was on my DS's u/s (with measurements, etc) and like all the other pictures on the internet of 6-8 wk u/s's. So, I've rationalized that it would just be difficult to see a HB on such a tiny speck (which is what it was) and everything is still fair game. Having said that, I haven't lost hope, but I have lost the joy (what little has slipped in there) from this process so far. I could potentially be headed for the biggest let down, possibly of my life on Friday (our next u/s). This cycle has been absolutely grueling. From the decision to do it at all, to all the little road blocks, now to this. If I do have a viable pregnancy, will there ever be any joy in it, or will I always worry that despair is lurking around the corner? Its just unlike anything I could even begin to describe.
So again, we wait (hmmmm.... that sounds familiar).
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Great Expectations
Tomorrow is 'the big day'. Somehow along this past 2 weeks I've unconsciously developed a great expectation that tomorrow will undoubtedly be good news. Interestingly though, I still haven't 'bought' into the whole pregnancy role and still find myself reminding myself that I actually am pregnant. I guess I assume tomorrow will be the confirmation and I can then begin my life as a pregnant woman. We haven't told my DS yet and I have pictured the conversation in my head a million times when we actually tell him he'll be a big brother - again with the expectations. I think there will be an equal amount of excitement with equal amount of fear and anxiety as we go in for the u/s tomorrow. I just have to have faith and pray that there won't be any disappointment to my great expectations.
More tomorrow...
More tomorrow...
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
A little bit pregnant
The old saying goes that you cannot be "a little bit pregnant", you either are, or you are not. In this situation, I would have to argue that point. I feel "a little bit pregnant". I do not feel like I can fully let myself be pregnant, but I have blood work to the contrary. We went to visit my MIL this past weekend out of state and my husband couldn't decide if he wanted to be able to tell her in person, or wait until 'real' confirmation with the u/s. He decided we would tell her that we were 'probably' pregnant, but we needed to wait until 8/12 to find out for sure. She, surprisingly, was okay with that explanation. I felt like we were telling her we were 'a little bit pregnant'.
This last week has sludged by, and I expect the next week will be no different. At first I found that I had to remind myself that I was pregnant. I used to say things in my head like, "maybe I shouldn't do that, just in case I'm pregnant" (like stand too close to the x-ray machine). I still found myself doing that, then moments later, it occured to me that I actually am pregnant. Now I'm buying in a little at a time and hope that I don't dig myself deeper if there is disappointment. I've actually started to think about trimesters, what equipment I may need, and I actually sat down and counted out when my maternity leave would be. Its dangerous, but as each day passes, it gets harder to ignore it.
Infertility is nothing if its not waiting!
This last week has sludged by, and I expect the next week will be no different. At first I found that I had to remind myself that I was pregnant. I used to say things in my head like, "maybe I shouldn't do that, just in case I'm pregnant" (like stand too close to the x-ray machine). I still found myself doing that, then moments later, it occured to me that I actually am pregnant. Now I'm buying in a little at a time and hope that I don't dig myself deeper if there is disappointment. I've actually started to think about trimesters, what equipment I may need, and I actually sat down and counted out when my maternity leave would be. Its dangerous, but as each day passes, it gets harder to ignore it.
Infertility is nothing if its not waiting!
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