Tomorrow - more than a day away

I went to the RE's office last Thursday for the u/s.  My DH came with me and we were taken back to the exam room right away.  I've never had to wait at this clinic yet (stark contrast to the other clinic).  Well, as luck would have it (which Thursday just turned out to be one of those crummy, unlucky days all around stretching far beyond this appointment), there was a misunderstanding on their part which left DH and I waiting (me half dressed on the table) for an HOUR!  I sent my DH out to find out what was taking so long after about 45 min, but he only looked up and down the empty hallway, never going to the receptionist (which I told him to do).  I, of course, only had a paper "sheet" around me and wasn't about to go hunting down a nurse or doctor.  So eventually the RE came in.  This is my first time meeting this particular RE (there are 3 in the practice and I've escaped meeting him until Thurs.).  He apologized for the "misunderstanding" and went to doing the u/s.  He quickly scanned and we all saw one sac/ fetus.  He said he did not see a heartbeat.  He asked if we had any frozen embryos - definitely NOT what you want to be asked at that moment.  He tried to scan again and said he saw what looked like it may be a heartbeat, but it could also be me breathing/moving.  He casually said that it could just be early, but come back in a week and we'll know for sure.  He printed us a picture, smiled, and said see you next week.

So that was it.  We left without a heartbeat and another week to wait.  Utter devastation.

After much wallowing in pity and despair I began to google and also decided to compare my u/s from Thurs. to the one of my DS at 8 weeks.  Interestingly, I found that the RE had not "zoomed in" (not sure what the term is) like it was on my DS's u/s (with measurements, etc) and like all the other pictures on the internet of 6-8 wk u/s's.  So, I've rationalized that it would just be difficult to see a HB on such a tiny speck (which is what it was) and everything is still fair game.  Having said that, I haven't lost hope, but I have lost the joy (what little has slipped in there) from this process so far.  I could potentially be headed for the biggest let down, possibly of my life on Friday (our next u/s).  This cycle has been absolutely grueling.  From the decision to do it at all, to all the little road blocks, now to this.  If I do have a viable pregnancy, will there ever be any joy in it, or will I always worry that despair is lurking around the corner?  Its just unlike anything I could even begin to describe.

So again, we wait (hmmmm.... that sounds familiar).